Sunday, January 9, 2011

10 things I have learned from my kids...

1)  When I hold them, their little hands will always gravitate to my boobs...it happens so often that I've stopped noticing.  But, of course, my husband notices it every single time because he NEVER gets to feel me up anymore.

2)  Wearing shoes without socks will result in the worst smell EVER, like death warmed over...times 20.

3)  Any time someone farts, the polite thing to do is laugh hysterically and give the farter a high-5.  It's a sign of respect and appreciation for the greater things in life. 

4)  It doesn't matter how loudly I yell, they still won't listen.  However, they'll hear me every single time I mumble "shit" under my breath.

5)  If they can get away with peeing in the tub without anyone noticing while bathing with their siblings, it's almost as if they've just committed the crime of the century and got off scott-free.  Too bad they won't be able to contain their excitement for too long because we all know kids can't keep secrets (another thing I learned along the way).

6)  The highlight of their day is wearing out my cell phone battery by playing 50 games in a row of Angry Birds....and the lowest part of the day is when I get lost in a strange neighborhood but can't call for help or look at the Google Map because...HELLO...my friggin' cell phone is dead!

7)  Turning in their homework to the teacher at the very last minute isn't the end of the world.  In fact, it's actually a wonderful lesson for the TEACHER....you know, good things come to those who wait and all that crap.

8)  Cats can be violently bent into approximately 32 various positions without breaking their backbone.  Don't mind the fact that it cost the cat roughly 5.7 lives.

9)  The most vicious thing a parent can do to their child is hand him the very first cracker in the package and expect him to accept it happily.  And it's completely unacceptable to eat the rainbow-sprinkled chocolate glazed donut, even though there are 6 others just like it....because that's the EXACT one he wanted.

10)  There's no need to worry about missing out on anything because they'll always point things out to me (in their loudest voice, of course)...like the older gentleman at the store who's carelessly scratching his nuts or the woman sitting next to me at the park who clearly wears an overabundance of makeup.


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40 comments:

The Boob Nazi said...

Have you ever smelled uggs worn without socks?!?!?!?!? DON'T.

Kristina P. said...

I think #3 applies to living with a man, also.

Zeemaid said...

oh yeah #10 is my favourite! Can I just say I dread having to take my kids out to department stores.

Kate said...

Great post! I relate mostly to the first 5 or so...too funny. Thanks!

The Professional Family Manager said...

#4 is so, so, so true--and the kids will tell everyone about your choice of language, too. Of course, that fits right in to your image of being a frazzled mom and the kids repeat this as they are wearing mismatched socks because you shouted at them for the tenth time to change them...and they didn't listen.

Snuggle Wasteland said...

#1 - I thought my kids were the only perverts around. Also, I thought they were boob men like their dad.

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

So glad the boob thing is not just with my kids. In fact, my husband says that my girls are "rented" out to the kids, but he holds the mortgage. Really? I thought they were MINE!!!!
And the shoes? One time my son's shoes (he's six) were so bad that hubs put them on the back deck to air them out. Two weeks later the funk remained. On a good note, the damn squirrels that pester me stayed far, far away.

:)

Tiffany said...

Those are spot on. Especially the shoes without socks (gag me). Prayse now every time she lets one go yells, "I TOOTED!" and laughs hysterically. Public or not. What else is there to do but laugh with her?

The Lane Family said...

Helene you always hit the nail on the head with all of these..I must say the one about peeing in the bath tub has my son's name all over it :)

THank for getting me off to a great laugh this morning!!

Zookeeper Jess said...

Ha!

Spectacular, as always, Helene!

Charlene said...

LMAO!

My kids always did the boob thing too...maybe they think they are built in handle bars or something hahaha!

These were too funny...you never fail to give me a good laugh!

Eva Gallant said...

I chuckled all the way through this one. Great list!

Stuff could always be worse said...

What a funny list, so true with kids!
kim

Erin said...

These are all fantastic, but 1-3 especially! Oh, and now I want donuts. Thanks, Helene! (fortunately we're snowed in so I don't think I'll be heading to Krispy Kreme anytime soon)

Kimberly said...

This is hilariously true to a t! Except the boob part. Husband tried a feel yesterday and I told him that I hadn't showered since Friday. When you have kids, some times personal hygiene comes last ;)

purseblogger said...

LOL! These are all so true. Great post girl.

Sharlene said...

I think you made quite of us suddenly feel better about our children's obsession with feeling us up. I am not alone. Praise the lord!

Flying Giggles and Lollipops said...

What is with number #4. It is so true! I can call and call my daughters, no response. The moment I drop something 3 rooms over and say "sh!t", they call me on it!

blueviolet said...

That Angry Birds game must be intense fun because everyone is talking about it.

I know that foot smell too well!

Crossed Fingers said...

haha - our friends kids love Angry Birds as well, who would have thought?!

Shell said...

Oh, the feet smell! my boys HATE shoes. And they hate socks, too. So, I don't fight them when they only agree to wear shoes w/o socks. Then, they'll take them off in the van and I can tell b/c the smell works its way up to me. *GAG*

MiMi said...

#3....um? Well, I knew this BEFORE I had kids...weird?

Erin aka Mama Dub said...

I can't wait to see what I learn... granted, I think that I could write a post now and he's only 16 months old :) lol

Rhiannon said...

LMAO!!! Angry Birds is the sole reason my husband is NOT allowed to get an iphone

Heather said...

I am totally relating to #1!! What is it about the boobs that attracts those little hands??? And amazingly only when there are people around!

Missy said...

Hands to the boobs - yep. Why is that?
God, the smell of shoes with out socks is fatal.
Farts are becoming such a competition around here between PJ and the girls that Rosco has joined in. Dog farts are WAY worse than human farts.
Love your list!

Twins Squared said...

Suddenly mine have caught onto the iPhone and Angry Birds too! What is the deal with that?

And homework. I hate it. I absolutely cannot fit it in since it falls on ME to make sure it's done. We completely didn't do an assignment over Christmas and then last week I was supposed to be doing flash cards all week (and of course initialing that we did it each night) and I didn't do anything until bedtime on the last night. Having a REALLY hard time figuring out how to make homework a priority (and I was never the type to slack on school work - I just feel like my mom would say, "You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip!" My head just can't fit it in...better figure this one out quick, before they start handing out actual grades.

Cute list!

Natalie said...

I'm so with you on the boob thing...all my kids do the same thing!

And what's up with the yelling and they don't hear you? They can hear a whispered cuss word from 3 rooms away on a different floor of the house!

Rebecca said...

#3 is so true...it's been a longstanding tradition in my family!

Peeing in the tub is one of those things that I find hysterical and I'm always left in awe. Those little "fountains" and "sprinklers" (as dubbed by the Crazies) provide much needed entertainment as there is NOTHING ELSE TO DO in the bath, right?

MommaKiss said...

#4, dear god, #4!also, my kid is SUCH a boob man. The boys call them my 'bumps' and they Love patting my bumps. Sigh.

shortmama said...

Ick the shoes with no socks...ewww!

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

love and adore your blog. i saw that wooly petals follows you -- clicked because i liked the title.

as a first time mom of a 4 week old, i must saw that i understand! god DOES have a sense of humor. (I decided I was cool with NOT having kids on St. Patrick's Day... found out I was pregnant on April 15th, tax day.)

My question for you, though: is God laughing WITH you or AT you? ;)

Karen Peterson said...

Some of the things on this list apply to coworkers, too. I'm not saying which ones...

MommyLovesStilettos said...

Ewww shoes without socks GROSSES me out!!!!!

Kim said...

Don't get me started on Angry Birds. It's my kids' crack.

Alicia said...

LOL!!!! And ew...about the no socks! So true!

The Mother said...

11. No matter how bad a stink is, a teenage boy can beat it.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

So Sarah, age 3, told me the other day that she couldn't wait to grow up and make some rules.

I asked her what rules she would make.

She didnt even think about it. She said she would use bad words all of the time!

Oops. She hears me too!!!!

Frugal Vicki said...

And this is parenting in a single post. My son cried a heart-wrenching, heaving cry for 45 minutes because he didn't want to take the cracker out of the package, he wanted his own on a plate. Seriously. I whispered the s word and he repeated it.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

or why is that lady so fat? I don't freaking know, I think because she eats bad little children. Feel free to use that.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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