1) When I hold them, their little hands will always gravitate to my boobs...it happens so often that I've stopped noticing. But, of course, my husband notices it every single time because he NEVER gets to feel me up anymore.
2) Wearing shoes without socks will result in the worst smell EVER, like death warmed over...times 20.
3) Any time someone farts, the polite thing to do is laugh hysterically and give the farter a high-5. It's a sign of respect and appreciation for the greater things in life.
4) It doesn't matter how loudly I yell, they still won't listen. However, they'll hear me every single time I mumble "shit" under my breath.
5) If they can get away with peeing in the tub without anyone noticing while bathing with their siblings, it's almost as if they've just committed the crime of the century and got off scott-free. Too bad they won't be able to contain their excitement for too long because we all know kids can't keep secrets (another thing I learned along the way).
6) The highlight of their day is wearing out my cell phone battery by playing 50 games in a row of Angry Birds....and the lowest part of the day is when I get lost in a strange neighborhood but can't call for help or look at the Google Map because...HELLO...my friggin' cell phone is dead!
7) Turning in their homework to the teacher at the very last minute isn't the end of the world. In fact, it's actually a wonderful lesson for the TEACHER....you know, good things come to those who wait and all that crap.
8) Cats can be violently bent into approximately 32 various positions without breaking their backbone. Don't mind the fact that it cost the cat roughly 5.7 lives.
9) The most vicious thing a parent can do to their child is hand him the very first cracker in the package and expect him to accept it happily. And it's completely unacceptable to eat the rainbow-sprinkled chocolate glazed donut, even though there are 6 others just like it....because that's the EXACT one he wanted.
10) There's no need to worry about missing out on anything because they'll always point things out to me (in their loudest voice, of course)...like the older gentleman at the store who's carelessly scratching his nuts or the woman sitting next to me at the park who clearly wears an overabundance of makeup.
Ham and Bowtie Pasta Casserole
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