Tuesday, January 4, 2011

It sucks to be The Family Cat...

Hey peeps...or should I say "fellow cat haters"...I am The Family Cat.

This is me....the one with the stripes. 

Are you thinking I look pretty damn uncomfortable?  

You'd be right.  Did my stiff arms give it away?  Perhaps the scared shitless look on my face might have clued you in?  Or maybe just the sight of this child's hands squeezing my poor little chest in a death grip made you grimace even just a little bit...

Let me introduce you to my living nightmare....


I know, I know.  They look so adorable...all happy and cuddly on Christmas morning.  Smiles so bright and cheery, as if they couldn't harm a fly, right?

Take a look at this next picture of me and tell me your opinion hasn't changed.


Yeah, I thought you'd see my side of things. 

So let me just tell you what life was like BEFORE the nightmare began. 

Picture it...it was August 2000 when I was adopted by a super sweet young lady and her fiancee (at the time).  They saved me from an untimely demise and brought me home to their tiny, yet cozy, 2-bedroom condo. 

Upon arrival at my new home, I was introduced to my 2 roommates, Maggie and Brady.  The family rabbits. 

I was cool with them....as long as they didn't get in my way.  Any time they'd scurry by me, I'd quickly reach out one of my paws and attack them.  I never really meant any harm...cats can't resist mice...I mean, rabbits.

So, yeah....karma's a bitch and all that crap.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  Trust me, folks, I knew my fate was sealed, 4 years later, as soon as the sweet young lady's belly began to grow at an alarmingly fast pace. 

Pretty stupid of me to think they'd be happy with just the 3 of us cuddly animals...eventually, all good things must come to an end.

As lame as those rabbits were, they must have been smarter than they appeared because they both decided to kick the bucket before the kids were born. 

Fricken rabbits...now, they were all up in rabbit heaven, hopping around and enjoying their new digs....while I was stuck in hell, basically crossing my days off on a calendar and eating stale cat chow. 

The lady and the man adopted another rabbit, in the meantime, so I at least had someone else to take my anger out on.   What more could a cat want but her very own personal scratching post...in the form of a harmless, unsuspecting furry bunny.

Then the spawn were born....the first set, anyway.  Cole and Bella.  Bella and Cole.  Go ahead and do your collective sighs...and then I'll fill you in on the real deal.

Okay, so these spawn....these horrible demonic babies....made my life a living hell.  They pawed at me, they grabbed my tail, they tugged at my ears...they made me wish that cats had only 1 life, instead of 9.

And you know what....no one came to my rescue.  NO ONE.  They would watch the kids terrorize me and say, "Awww, look at how much the babies love the cat".  If that was love, I'd hate to see how they treated someone they despised.

So, yeah...pretty much hating my life at that point.  I decided to join forces with the skanky rabbit, where we spent most of our days plotting our takeover...misery loves company and all that shit. 

Before our plan could come to fruition, something devastating happened.  The man and the lady had ANOTHER pair of spawn.

Really?!  Two kids at a time....TWICE?  Who the hell does that?!   It was like a huge cosmic joke or something.

From there, I tried to spend as much time as possible outdoors...standing in the middle of the street, praying for a high-speed vehicle to put me out of my misery.  I sought out other cats in the neighborhood, picking fights with even the meanest of the mean...in the hopes of knocking off 1 or 2 (or 6) of my lives in one shot.  No such luck.

So I spend most of my days now pretty much in a catatonic state, just waiting to meet my maker at Rainbow Bridge and cursing out those damn rabbits for leaving me here all alone in Cat Hell (the 3rd one eventually died, as well...of a broken heart, I'm sure).



And, no...that is not a smile on my face in the above picture.  Merely just trying to savor whatever oxygen I have left in my lungs as the child squeezes my rib cage so hard that it literally forces my stiff arms to cross in front of me. 

Oh good God....we're on the move now.  That's why the picture below is so blurry.  The lady had a hard time keeping up, as the child kept whisking me off here and there.  I'm nothing but a puppet to her....an unwilling playmate of sorts.


Here I am trying to escape from her clutches.  I'm fully aware that I'm high up on a staircase but....do I really care, people? 

You know they say that, if you're ever kidnapped (or catnapped), you should never let your assailant take you to a 2nd location.  Let's just say I've watched Oprah a few times in my life, when I've been fortunate enough to have the house to myself. 

I knew if this child got me in her room....you know, behind closed doors, it would mean hours of pure torture for me.  She'll make me sleep with her...holding me hostage for hours under her bedsheets.  Sure, it may sound like a cat's dream but I can assure you that it is NOT.

Oh yeah, and here's the part where the child remembered that her beloved Blues Clues stuffed animal was still downstairs so we had to turn around and go back to the family room. 

Just look at how she's grasping me...by the freakin' neck with just ONE hand, folks.  And the whole time, the lady is snapping pictures.  At one point, the lady did say, as weakly as possible, "Bella, please use two hands when you're holding the cat". 


Uh, how about, "Put the fucking cat down"!?  That would've been MY preference.  I'da been the lady's friend for life had she come to my rescue.  But no....after all, I'm just a lowly animal and they are humans. 

Apparently, humans are higher up on the food chain, so they say.  However, I dare you to ask any random cheetah out there next time you see one and I'm sure he'll disagree. 


Now, I know most of you are probably thinking..."So what....you're wishing for death anyway...why not just let the child take you upstairs and snuff the life outta you?"

Like everyone else in this world, I want my death to be on MY own terms, not the child's terms.  Besides, I'd rather endure a quick death...one that doesn't leave me suffering and begging for help.  Makes sense, right?

So now you all know why it sucks to be The Family Cat.  If any of you parents out there who are reading this have a cat (or 3), do me a favor. 

Take a minute and open a can of tuna, empty the contents out onto your best china and serve it to your humble, constant companion, the one who loves you unconditionally even though you gave birth to the devil's spawn and forced us to go along with your evil plan.

What....you don't have any tuna?  That's okay, we also enjoy shrimp and other fine seafoods....or prime rib.  Cats aren't picky....we lick our own asses, remember?

After the kids are in bed, we sure would appreciate it if you'd cuddle with us on the sofa while you watch tv...as you pour an entire bag of chips down your throat, like you do every single night. 

Another thing I learned from watching Oprah is that pets are man's best friend...we're a huge source of comfort to our owners. 

Which begs the question....when's the last time you heard of a child being described as man's best friend and a huge source of comfort? 

Yeah, let that one roll around in your brain for the rest of the day....

Peace out.


varunner said...

Oh, Helene, this made me laugh so hard! We have FOUR cats so I guess they have it not so bad. After all - four against 3 boys. You do the math ;-)

Jen said...

And we even have the same cat that totally hates its life with my crazy children. :)

Tiffany said...

This hits home, we have a cat who used to be so spoiled, now he's lucky if I let him come inside or manage to throw him a bowl of food.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

LMAO! You crack me up!

MiMi said...

Bwahahahahahahaa! Best post ever!!! LOL!!

Shell said...

Aw, your poor kitty! This was hilarious!

We ended up sending my cat to my brother's house when my second was born...but now they have two kids and the cat is freaking out...probably thinks it's time for her to get a new home.

Natalie said...

That is so funny!! LOL - I love the term "cat hell"

Krystal said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. We have two poor, neglected cats as well. Our babies are too young to terrorize them yet, but oh.. they don't even know what they are in for :)

Rhiannon said...

oh this is totally awsome! i just love it! put soooo purr-fectly. (i couldnt resist the pun)

Eva Gallant said...

Poor kitty!

Marianne said...

HAHAHAHAHAAH!!! This is one of my favorite posts ever!!!!! Kitty is very mellow though, isn't he/she? If I had ever handled my cats like that, they'd shoot out their back claws and attack me. And my cats were actually really sweet.

Bella reminds me of Elmyra Duff, the little girl cartoon character OBSESSED with her kitty.


Jenny said...

LOL, poor kitty! It does look pretty cuddly though.

Abby is like that with one of our cats, Kako. The other one is too fast for her. LOL!

Mommie2my3girls said...

Lol I am sure my Yorkie can relate to "cat hell" . It sure does look sweet though. Heck even I want to cuddle it!! I do love kitties though :(

Nezzy said...

Ya, have me rollin' here sister!!! I remember what my kiddos and their friends did to our cats. We even have a little 'visitor' throw our cat into the electric fence. Ya never heard such sounds come from an animal!!!

God bless ya and have an extraordinary New Year and keep the laughs comin' sweetie!!!

Jessica said...


This is why we no longer have a pet...apparently our kids used up all our cats 9 lives pretty quick

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Absolutely brilliant! All of our animals feel your pain, kitty. That's why they try to trip us on a regular basis. They all get together and plot our demise.

Karen Peterson said...

When I think about how I used to treat my cat when I was young, I feel bad. But she must have forgiven me because, eventually, she starting sleeping on my bed with me. Voluntarily.

Lacey said...

I laughed soooo hard!!! I am definately not a CAT person but I almost felt sorry for your little cat!

singedwingangel said...

lmbo poor kitty.. this was hilarious. I am sure mine think the same thing when my niece comes over.

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

You poor cat! You look big and strong enough to be able to get away. Try twisting, turning and rolling real fast and take a jump out of her arms before she can even pick you up, then run and hide real good. That girl needs to be taught to respect you.

The Mother said...

Pets who survive children's childhoods deserve fabulous accolades and a spa vacation. Not to mention a free ride pretty much forever.

blueviolet said...

That cracked me the heck up!

Alicia said...

Oh my gosh..the stiff legs!! LOLOL!

Twins Squared said...

So many thoughts! Love the pictures. I love the one with the dishwasher in the background. He looks REALLY unhappy. But then in the next quite content!

We HAD a cat too. He kicked the bucket a year and a half ago. He was mine. Mike hated him and all cats. Then the kids came. He was officially kicked outdoors even though he was declawed. He was kind of a brat but I still felt bad for him. Anyway, kids didn't seem to concerned when he died. I'll have to blog about that whole thing. Their responses were hilarious. Hmmm...maybe soon. If I do I'll pay tribute to you for making me think about it. :)

This actually made me wish I had a cat again, perhaps a nicer one this time. But no need. More details coming soon....

ashley said...

I love this! I had the giggles the entire time. While I've never written any of it down, the husband and I make up voices for our dogs and "they" say quite hilarious things. The little fluffy one is the best- we make her dance and curse. I should record it! You'll never think of "Barbie Girl" again with laughing. (Oh yea, we totally downloaded it just to make her dance. Too much time on our hands!)

Rebecca said...

When you mentioned the "second location," I nearly spit my coffee out.

We were horrible to our cat growing up...putting scotch tape on her paws, throwing her at each other when we wanted to use the phone...horrible! Poor cats.

Cindy said...

Oh, this cracked me up something fierce.
We have 2 cats and a dog - the old cat is a crank and a bully but my 3 girls (6, 2 & 2)refuse to learn and keep trying to "love her" and "pet her" (they've each been clawed at least one time but they still go back for more). The new cat is about a year old. She moved in with us about a month ago. She JUST started coming down to the first floor and takes a quick peak around, then darts back upstairs because when she does step foot on the first floor 2 little ones start chasing her immediately and yelling "Kitty, kitty, kitty...". The dog is well loved and more rugged and tolerant. He gets dog toys and bones chucked at him constantly by the little ones because "they are Kipper's toys". He also gets "pet" a lot. And fed.

Someone should inform animals that Love Hurts.

Courtney said...

lol, this was adorable!!!
i cant wait to have all my animals and kiddos. :)

Kimberly said...

Oh my nine lives...I can't stop laughing. The best part is you documenting the torture with a camera. Not only is the cat catatonic, but is now blind by camera flash.
We should have a series going on our pets. Mine takes a toddler beating too ;)

Twinpossible said...

Girl, do I ever hear you! I have a yorkie, all of about 3 lbs. that I bought for my 5 yo, and I didn't see what was coming on how rough she'd be with the poor dog, for a year or so anyhow, but we survived without any broken bones, but BARELY! It could have easilly happened though.

HOWEVER, we have since added 2 more crazy creatures to our mix here, and I honestly feel terrible for this tiny dog. I love animals and would have a zoo if I could. (Did when I was single, including rabbits IN MY HOME..yes, indoor rabbits, and they are smart. I even had taught them how to beg for treats and walk on a leash. Had a ferret who did that to, lol.) My husband doesn't share my zoo like passion, so I parted with my 3 cats, via a friend, and the ferret and rabbits are long gone now. We have three dogs, but only 1 that is super fragile. The others hold their own (FOR NOW!)

The twins have already pulled and tugged at the poor little creature, making her yelp. A creature whom I don't see surviving the next 3 years. Not without A LOT of help and protection from mommy dearest, so essentially, I have triplets to protect from one another here :)

The cat is really cute though. I miss my own so much. My husband HATES cats, and I hate that about him. I love all creatures, but like I said I do feel for our tiny dog, and for your pussy cat. They have peace for awhile, then BOOM, life as they know it, takes an awful turn.

I really hope the kids start to settle down and give her some peace. I know I have a LONG time, before that happens over here.

Wishing you, and that pretty pussy cat, lots of happy and healthy years to come, and with sanity in tact. That may just be the hardest part!

Great post as always Helene:)

xoxo Shelly


BigSis said...

I'm with varunner. Our 3 cats outnumber the 2 of us. I have to say that the one cat - the dumbest one - is incredibly patient with all the stuff my 10 year old does to him. We're both lucky he hasn't scratched our eyes out.

This post was HILARIOUS!

Crossed Fingers said...

hahaha! We have a cat and I don't see her even letting our kids close to her - I see her swatting at them and teaching them to back away from the pretty kitty.

This Daddy said...

Yeah I think everyone has a cat that is being tormented be children. Count our in. Leo the cat is always hiding or counter attacking the kids

Flying Giggles and Lollipops said...

This is hilarious! We had a cat, but had to get rid of it because Chloe is allergic, but I am sure the same thoughts were running through her little head. At my MIL's house, as soon as her cats hear kids, they scurry away!

Deb said...

Too funny! We have our own traumatized duo of cats at our house. I do have to say, as far as cats go, this one looks very mellow and accommodating. We have one cat that is very cool with the cat as bean bag toy kind of life and one that would sooner scratch your face off than let you carry her. Looks like your cat is very well loved by its tormentors :)

Mrsbear said...

Good to see your sense of humor is intact. You know you have a good pet when they submit to stuff like that without chewing your offspring's face off. Happy 2011.

Colleen said...

I laughed my tail off reading this. I still wonder to this day what my dog really thinks of my kids. They did steal his mama and his spotlight. :) Thanks for the chuckles!

Mama Dub @ Life in the Dub Lane said...

Simply put.. you are the best! I LOVE your stories. I always know where to come to an honest laugh. So glad that I have more time to catch up :)

Clueless_Mama said...

Parts of this sound so much like the two cats we just adopted. My son carries them around and says, "look, they love me so much". Sure they do honey! Thanks for the laugh.

Sharlene said...

We have two cats. One has taken up permanent residence in my bathroom since its blocked off with a baby gate. I think she only eats and pees when my kids aren't home or are asleep. The other has a life very similar to your cat. Being carried around with stiff arms and a sour look. She is also chase around by my dogs every once in a while strictly for their entertainment. Hey- its better than being out in the street right?

Hilarious as always my friend!

Missy said...

Hilarious! You made my night. I love it!

william2233 said...

Nice site, from a children author

Sadia said...

At least Bella doesn't scream at the site of your cat! Melody only got over that a few months ago, and yes, the cat pre-dated the kids. :) Mel's actually graduated all the way to grabbing my hand and using my finger to poke at the cat. Progress.

Tami of the Twin Factory said...

Seriously, Helene. Get the fuck out of my house... you scare me. That post could only be written by MY cat. (She does have her own facebook page wherein she describes how she terrorizes my husband and nanny, and pukes on the kids toys and stuff.) The only thing that is different in MY house is that my cat is FASTER than the demon spawn (on most occasions). Let's agree that our cats do not meet (and plot our demise).

chemarrr said...

OMG! that kitty its too cute..poor thing though :(

Krystal said...

Poor kitty! Absolutely loved this post!

Slamdunk said...

Visiting from Lisa's place.

Funny stuff. Our family cat passed away a couple of years ago and the little ones still mention how they miss incorporating her into their play.

TexWisGirl said...

OMG! came over from lisa's today. should have emptied my bladder first as i almost pee'd my pants!!! God bless you!!!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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