Sunday, February 20, 2011

Won't you be my neighbor? Well, maybe not after you read this...

On any given day, if you just happen to be strolling by our house, you may hear me making the following statements to the spawn...

1) "Uh, last time I checked I wasn't on the payroll...so unless you just deposited a paycheck into my account, you better do what I say...."

2)  "It's not your fault?!  Well, then whose fault is it?  Oh wait, let me guess...Jesus told you to do it, right?"

3)  "What?!  I'm too lazy right now to rinse the pesticide off the strawberries. Last time I checked you hadn't grown a third nipple in the middle of your chest!"

4)  "Here's the phone...why don't you call the Wicked Witch of the West and tell her how horrible I am for making you clean up the milk you just spilled?!  Maybe she'll take you back to her castle, bake you a batch of cookies and force her flying monkeys to dance for you."

5)  "Can someone PLEASE drop a hammer on my big toe so I can check into the ER for a few hours and get a freakin' break?"

6)  "Santa Claus called.  He told me to remind you guys that he watches you all year long and he is NOT happy when you demand that your tired mother cut the crusts off your sandwiches...(or whatever else I'm trying to manipulate them with)"

7)  "Are you seriously trying to drive me insane on purpose?"

8)  "You don't like what I'm serving for dinner?  Then get a job and buy your own food".

9)  "Dude, I'm telling you, one more time...THOSE. PANTS. DO. NOT. FIT. YOU.  But if you want to wear pants that are way too tight, then don't come crying to me when you're bent over suffering from a crippling case of painful gas after you eat breakfast."

10)  "If you guys need me, I'll be locked in the laundry room in the fetal position, sucking my thumb."

11)  "It is bedtime.  For the love of God, stay in your bed!  I don't care if you're thirsty or that you suddenly remembered that you forgot to put a period on the last sentence of your homework...GO. TO. SLEEP. NOW."

12)  "I don't care if you think it's fair or not.  Do you ever hear me complaining that the Lucky Charms leprechaun refuses to tell me where his pot of gold is?  NO, you don't, do you?  So quit your griping!"

13)  "Daddy's not here, he's at work.  I'm in charge.  Actually, I'm in charge even when Daddy is here.  You're ALL my little puppets...(insert evil laughter)".

14)  "Isn't there a plant in someone's yard that you guys can dig up so I can read my book in peace and quiet?"

15)  "Someone left the fridge open...again!  Did I miss the memo that electricity is free today?"

16)  "Well, no one cares what I want either...life is sometimes cruel.  Deal with it."

17)  "How many times have I told you guys not to leave your toys all over the floor?!  The Toy Fairy is gonna come by later tonight when you're in bed and snatch up your toys....but not before he flings a juicy, green booger on each of your pillows while you sleep".

18)  "Why, thank you for allowing me to have the privilege of wiping your butt for you.  What would I do with myself if you ever learned how to do it on your own!  I'd probably cry hysterically all day long."

19)  "Hey, guys, I can see the moon.  It must be time for bed.  I don't care if it's only 6:00.  If the moon is out, it's time to go to sleep.  I'm pretty sure that's a law...somewhere".

20)  "Cry me a river...please.  Lord knows, we can't afford a swimming pool right now".



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40 comments:

HoneyDame said...

LMAO....Your sense of humor is just soo soothing!

Yellow said...

Did you tape my house? You forgot a big one. . "I quit, I am done, so I don't care that you need food. Who needs to eat more than once a day anyway?"

Zookeeper Jess said...

Bwahaahah! You and I are a lot alike :)

OLLIE MCKAY'S ~ A Chic Boutique said...

Wowie ~ 2 sets of twins ~ seriosuly??? Within 2 yrs of each other ~ Wowie!!! They are all beautiful and what a full exciting life you and your hubby have ~ Congrats - and sounds like you're both doing a great job so far!! Lucky kids! We are expecting our first grand-baby around the first of April - a little girl whose name will be Soleil! I'm in love with her already!! xoxo Thanks for stopping by!

Kimberly said...

HAHAH! I think I've been caught in my bathroom in the fetal position a few times or more.
Kids love to just pick away at that one last nerve.

Jenny said...

LOL, do any of these actually work?

My daughter finally admitted yesterday that she does in fact hear us, she just doesn't want to do what we say. I guess that's the first step. LOL!

Kate said...

I will be printing these out and saving them for future use. Thanks for that.

ashley said...

I would still be your neighbor. In fact, I would move next to you just to hear these and learn for our future children. :)

Kristina P. said...

I bet you wouldn't even leave your dog poop in my yard. You would be an awesome neighbor!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

You are hilarious! You should write a book on best retorts from a mom going nuts! :)

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I wish you were my neighbor, so we could swap lines with one another.

OK, I just read your post title and laughed because I seriously hadn't seen it when I typed that first sentence.

I like to tell my kids to go fly a kite in their underwear.

Eva Gallant said...

You crack me up, Helene; but I'm sure that it's your sense of humor that keeps you surviving! lol

Mariboo said...

I'll live by you! Then we can trade nifty quips! Especially after a few glasses of vino!

Marcia (123 blog) said...

I love "the moon is out" - I need to try that one.

We say "it's getting dark" and close the curtains so it's dark :)

singedwingangel said...

My go to line that never fails.. I brought you into this world I can take you out, and I don't have to make any more that look like you. But know that your exit will be as painful on you as your entrance was on me...

Aimee said...

the wicked with of the west phone call is my favorite...and I am sooo going to use it!

Heather said...

Oh how I cherish bedtime. And how disturbing it is to me when the little one is determined to fight sleep by getting up over and over and over again just to tell me that he forgot to say I love you...

Gwen said...

LMAO!!! I've said practically ALL of these things to my children. I thought I was the only one! You left out, "Find a nice lady, go up to her and smile, maybe SHE will buy you a chocolate".

Jen said...

Hey, those are good. I am going to start using them.

Wendy said...

LMAO! Whenever I need a laugh, I can always count on your blog to deliver!

kristi said...

LOL...I say the same things! Sometimes worse.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

If I lived by you? The neighborhood would go up in flames from our combined awesomeness in parenting.

Zeemaid said...

*LOL* The title totally drew me in.. I could only imagine where you were going with this.

I particularly like the wicked witch one.

My most frequent lines... I'm not the maid and this isn't a restaurant.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Oh how many of those have I said myself? or some varication of. But not #20, so I'm totally stealing that.

Nezzy said...

Heeehehehe!!! If ya'll were my neighbor I'd put your kiddos to work on the Ponderosa. They'd be so dang tired they'd be beggin' to go to bed before dark! :o)

You always crack me up girl with your delightful humor!!!

God bless ya and have a marvelous Monday sweetie!!!

Shell said...

Are you sure you aren't just writing things you overheard at my house?

Alicia said...

Hahaha...love it!!!

Ms.Wasteland said...

I'm going to be using number 16 someday very soon.

Kakunaa said...

I almost peed my pants, LOL. How old are they all? And I so have to have my friend Kir read this...I think it's right up her alley.

MommaKiss said...

I pull the Santa card All. Year. Long.  Wishing for an ER trip, now that's hard core woman.

Mrsbear said...

But of course they're trying to make you insane on purpose, it takes real talent to do it on accident.

A booger flinging toy fairy, I've heard it all.

Jenna said...

Love it, at least your neighbors don't see you talking to your chickens and spending countless hours just watching them and taking pictures of them. I wish I was only kidding.

tooclosetogether said...

HAHA! Love your blog! I feel I can totally relate, but my child is a sneaky 11 month old who does not talk back yet, acts if he understands NOTHING, and believes his name is no. I can't help but find solace knowing I'm not the only one! Thank you!

Stephanie Faris said...

#3 perplexes me.

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

I just might have to try out #5.

Buckeroomama said...

Uh, I might or might not have said a few of these lines myself. :)

Kidscomfortz Blog said...

Well, I am glad I am not the only one who says those things. You made me laugh. Thanks for the smile.

Reece Fox said...

I only hope I'm that amazing when I'm a mother. bahaha. You're great, thanks for adding me. I'm definitely returning the favor. Take care. I'll be reading. :)

Tiffany said...

Oh my, yes!! I do the "It's the rules" (insert shrug of shoulders here) thing all the time! Then it's not exactly ME saying no all the time, it's just the rules! ;)

The Mother said...

#2 doesn't end with childhood, sadly.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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