On any given day, if you just happen to be strolling by our house, you may hear me making the following statements to the spawn...
1) "Uh, last time I checked I wasn't on the payroll...so unless you just deposited a paycheck into my account, you better do what I say...."
2) "It's not your fault?! Well, then whose fault is it? Oh wait, let me guess...Jesus told you to do it, right?"
3) "What?! I'm too lazy right now to rinse the pesticide off the strawberries. Last time I checked you hadn't grown a third nipple in the middle of your chest!"
4) "Here's the phone...why don't you call the Wicked Witch of the West and tell her how horrible I am for making you clean up the milk you just spilled?! Maybe she'll take you back to her castle, bake you a batch of cookies and force her flying monkeys to dance for you."
5) "Can someone PLEASE drop a hammer on my big toe so I can check into the ER for a few hours and get a freakin' break?"
6) "Santa Claus called. He told me to remind you guys that he watches you all year long and he is NOT happy when you demand that your tired mother cut the crusts off your sandwiches...(or whatever else I'm trying to manipulate them with)"
7) "Are you seriously trying to drive me insane on purpose?"
8) "You don't like what I'm serving for dinner? Then get a job and buy your own food".
9) "Dude, I'm telling you, one more time...THOSE. PANTS. DO. NOT. FIT. YOU. But if you want to wear pants that are way too tight, then don't come crying to me when you're bent over suffering from a crippling case of painful gas after you eat breakfast."
10) "If you guys need me, I'll be locked in the laundry room in the fetal position, sucking my thumb."
11) "It is bedtime. For the love of God, stay in your bed! I don't care if you're thirsty or that you suddenly remembered that you forgot to put a period on the last sentence of your homework...GO. TO. SLEEP. NOW."
12) "I don't care if you think it's fair or not. Do you ever hear me complaining that the Lucky Charms leprechaun refuses to tell me where his pot of gold is? NO, you don't, do you? So quit your griping!"
13) "Daddy's not here, he's at work. I'm in charge. Actually, I'm in charge even when Daddy is here. You're ALL my little puppets...(insert evil laughter)".
14) "Isn't there a plant in someone's yard that you guys can dig up so I can read my book in peace and quiet?"
15) "Someone left the fridge open...again! Did I miss the memo that electricity is free today?"
16) "Well, no one cares what I want either...life is sometimes cruel. Deal with it."
17) "How many times have I told you guys not to leave your toys all over the floor?! The Toy Fairy is gonna come by later tonight when you're in bed and snatch up your toys....but not before he flings a juicy, green booger on each of your pillows while you sleep".
18) "Why, thank you for allowing me to have the privilege of wiping your butt for you. What would I do with myself if you ever learned how to do it on your own! I'd probably cry hysterically all day long."
19) "Hey, guys, I can see the moon. It must be time for bed. I don't care if it's only 6:00. If the moon is out, it's time to go to sleep. I'm pretty sure that's a law...somewhere".
20) "Cry me a river...please. Lord knows, we can't afford a swimming pool right now".
OM and Ohms
1 day ago