Friday, March 4, 2011

I confess...

Time to do some major puking....emotional puking, that is.  Because isn't that the best kind, after all...if there were a such thing as "the best kind of puking".

I confess:

I'm obsessed with the word "puking".  I'm a mother of 4 children...let's not forget that I deal with this subject matter, approximately 3.8 times per month.  Hey, dry heaves count.

Whew, now that that's been confessed, let's move on to the heavy stuff.

I confess:

I went off on a bitter old lady last week while shopping at Michael's with the spawn.  They kept pulling things off the shelves and hen-pecking me to death with, "Can we have this?", "Will you buy this for us?", "Please, please, please can you get this?"

After my 4th stern NO, the bitter old lady came up behind me and the spawn and screamed, "NOOOO!  Your mother said NOOOO!"

I whipped around as fast as I could and bellowed, "Excuse me!!  No one talks to my kids like that, except ME!  How dare you?!"

Yeah, I know the spawn can be annoying when out in public.  Hell, they're annoying when we're NOT in public and just hanging out at home.

And I've long since accepted the blatant fact that I am THAT mom who everyone stares at when we're out somewhere.

Still, this may not seem like much of a confession...any mom would stand up for her kids in this same situation, right?

But, you see, it gets worse.  Trust me.

The bitter old lady stared angrily at me, as if I had some nerve talking to HER like that.

She pointed her crooked, wrinkled finger at me and said, accusingly, "You need to contain your children in a store like this".

Before responding, I paused, fully expecting her to follow it up with a creepy witch-like cackle.  Or to summon her flying monkeys.

I asked, "Uh, you mean in an ARTS AND CRAFTS store?  I know, imagine that...children wanting to touch things in a craft store!  Why don't you just take your walker and your little basket and head down the next aisle, where, to the best of my knowledge, there have been no sightings of loud, unruly children?"

As she hobbled off, I muttered, "And don't forget to take your Metamucil when you get home...it might do you some good to dislodge that huge stick up your ass."

The kids giggled because, of course, even though I had pretty much said it under my breath...they heard every single word.

Yet, 5 minutes later, they claim they didn't hear me yelling at them in the parking lot, "Get over here before you get smashed by a truck!  We can't afford funeral expenses right now, dammit!"  (probably should confess that little ooops right there, too, while I'm at it).

So sue me, I lost my temper.  I'm not about to tolerate some little old hag yelling at my kids, when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself.  Yeah, so they don't listen to me...that's not the point, people.

I confess:

I laughed hysterically later that afternoon when Cole told Bella to chill out and get the huge stick out of her ass, after she threw a major tantrum because he wouldn't give her the blue crayon the minute she demanded it from him.

I confess:

Even though there's something inherently evil about feeling flattered when my kids repeat words and phrases that should never be mumbled by young children, I can't help myself.

Don't worry...I've long since given up the dream of winning the "Mother of the Year" award.

That dream was long gone in 2007 after my 2nd set of twins were born....along with another 4300 of my brain cells, my pelvic floor and the ligaments and connective tissue holding my boobs in the upright position.



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48 comments:

Creative Junkie said...

Nothing like being chastised by an old hag, right?

Recently, I was cutoff by an asshole on the highway and narrowly avoided smashing our car into the guardrail. Before I could spew forth my typical diatribe, Helena piped up from the back seat "WHAT A JERKWAD, MOM"

I was sort of proud.

Samantha said...

I would have so let that old lady have it too. I get pissed at the Inlaws when they talk to B in ways that they shouldn't. No one can threaten to spank my child, except for me.

Sometimes I think bitter old women should just stay home. At Christmas time, one accused my Mom of trying to run her over with a shopping cart. I mean, where do they get this stuff?

I'm currently working at getting bad words out of B's vocabulary. Of course, I'm failing miserably.

Jill said...

OMG! that lady!! that's funny! you're pretty clever w your words, i'm not sure what I woulda said. I'm passing this post on! GREAT!!

Sara Richins said...

I'm so that mom too! 4.5 kids will do that too ya!
I lost it at an old lady in Goodwill. Daughter was having a melt down and she told us to leave. I said you leave and a few other things. Mama bear came out fast.
I'm told it gets better, but we'll see about that.

Nezzy said...

I can't even begin to imagine raisin' two sets of twins and not goin' off every now and again.

The little lady probably never had children or has Alzheimers and forgot she had 'em.

Is that anything like me stoppin. and lettin' a little old gal walk in front of my car and when she got right in front of me she turns and gives me the finger, thank you very much! I just sat there with my mouth open in disbelief!!!

God bless you sweetie and have a Fantastic Friday!

Giveaway...my place! :o)

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

I don't say such phrases as this very often, but it's just what comes to mind..."You GO, Girl!"

I remarked to someone a couple of weeks ago that I would have been the one to roll my eyes at a "poorly-behaving" child somewhere...but since becoming a mom, I usually want to go up and give the mom a hug. (I haven't resorted to random hugging, though...I actually just send her some "serenity now" vibes...)

I definitely think there's a time and a place for children...I'm not going to take my two to a fine dining establishment on Valentine's Day just yet, for example...but cut a mama some slack in an arts-and-crafts store, for heaven's sake! Hahaha!!!

And just in case you haven't heard this lately, You Rock, Helene! :)

amberlyadventures said...

*I* can't even contain myself in a craft store, how could children do so?!

Happy Friday!

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Meanwhile, that woman is probably thinking the world is going to hell in a handbasket because of that encounter and is telling all her old lady friends.

Kristina P. said...

Why does it seem like most mean ladies are old?

Jayme said...

I love this post. Every single thing about it.

VandyJ said...

Being old does not entitle you to do and say whatever you want to, geez lady. Good for you for having a come back.

Twins Squared said...

Ha ha ha! I have a friend, mom of twins and a singleton, who called me last week to tell me how bad she felt for going off on some lady in the store who gave her a dirty look when she got onto her kids at the self-checkout who decided to keep taking everything out of the bags she'd already loaded up! We all have our moments!

That lady should have minded her own business!

As for being THAT mom, I think I'm that mom a lot too. But I CONFESS...that this week at the allergy shots (where I get more looks than anywhere else) a friend of mine was there with her 5 kids plus 2 more that she keeps after school and all looks were going to her. So I confess that I was glad it was her and not me for once!

Charlene said...

LOL!!!! Note to self: Even though you miss having a baby at home...be ever so glad that you can now go to stores By.Your.Self!

I remember all too well having to take all my kids to the store and not only have to deal with people staring open mouthed at me for having 6 kids....but having to deal with them touching everything, bugging me and asking for everything they saw. And praying we made it out of the store alive and with nothing slipped into their little pockets. LMAO!!!

Good for you!!

Heather said...

I can't believe she said those things to you AND to your kids!

purseblogger said...

Oh Helene. I love your blog! You write so amazingly. And that little old lady needs to mind her own blasted business!

Mighty M said...

The only people allowed to come up to me in a store and comment on my parenting skills are people with compliments!!

MommyLovesStilettos said...

BAHAHAHAHA! I love it!!!! :)

Twingle Mommy said...

That story is so funny! I think it's funny when my oldest uses my expressions too. My favorite is when she tells my twins that they are driving her bonkers and bananas. I just love the merging of my two expressions.

Mamatoosi said...

You know what else old people don't like? Penis jokes! I learned that one the hard way. *insert rim shot here*

Karen Peterson said...

I will never understand why people think it's any of their business. Honestly.

And, yeah, I giggle when kids say inappropriate things too. I think that's part of why I haven't had kids!

Jenny said...

Old ladies are mean! LOL about the Metamucil. Seriously, though it was a craft store! They sell kids craft stuff too, so kids do go there.

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

I confess.

I am THAT mom too.

Why else would my 3 year old know how to use both "shit" and "damn it" correctly and in perfect context.

Yes.

I am a bit proud.

And mortified.


:)

Dysfunctional Mom said...

When my kids were little, they were goofing around in Walmart and some old granny made a smart comment. I told her to get the corn cob out of her ass.
Seriously, nobody yells at my kids except for ME. Regardless of whether or not they listen to me. They're MINE!

Tiffany said...

Thanks for the laugh, you always make me smile.

LaVonne @ Long Wait said...

Never had that happen yet. But I only have one and I let her play with almost anything she wants in the store. Then when we check out she gives it back to the cashier. :)

MommaKiss said...

Dear lord, the kid telling his sister to get the stick out? I'd be so proud. So proud.

Gwen said...

LMAO! You are braver than I am!

Little old ladies are either super duper sweet or wicked mean. I intend on being wicked mean. Or rather, I will have wicked mean thrust upon me. I blame the children.

Twinpossible said...

I totally agree, and YES little old ladies are either sweet as pie, or bitter as hell. It's just the way it is. The older my MIL gets (86) the more nasty & grumpy she gets, and the more I can't stand her, though she used to be such a blessing to us, and I loved her to pieces. I still do love her, but it's HARD.

She puts more then her 2 cents in, which she never used to do, and now it causes tension, and it takes ALOT for me to crack, believe you me.

I am also the one in the store always getting noticed, and not just because of my twins. It's because my son is honestly the only sweet, quiet child, I have right now. The others like to scream in public, act out, i mean especially my 5 year old. I can't tell you how many times I have heard, 'I pitty her', or 'OMG, did I remember to take my pill?' or 'Thank God that kid isn't mine.'

Hell, I used to think the same when I saw a child like her, but now that I have one and she's mine, I adore her. Not always the things that she does, like knocking over store displays, throwing trantrums for something she wants but I can't afford to buy, or attempting to push over mannequins. She's mine, and when people make comments, I usually hold them in, but I have noticed that the older I get, the more ballsy I get as well. I refuse to be stepped on in life no longer.

Someone had the audacity to tell me to shut up my crying child, Annie (one of the twins), when there was nothing I could do to console her in the mall one day. This was about 6 months ago, so she was very young. What would you like me to do miss? Put duct tape over her mouth?' 'Good idea she said.' I mumbled...bitch. I hope God gives that arrogant wench a set of super ornery quadruplets, lol.

Just know..I feel your pain and can relate to you on so many levels. I used to joke with people that my 5yo was like twins. They used to say, 'I guess you'll never find out.' I said 'Hell no, I won't' and we'd have a good chuckle. Now I know I was right though. She is like twins maybe even maybe triplets, compared to my duo, who are not little balls of sunshine nowadays themselves:)

One day at a time my friend. You'll likely never see their faces again. Don't fear speaking up to strangers, especially ones that throw their noses in your business. I'd NEVER do such a thing!

Hugs,
Shelly

http://www.twinpossible.com/blog

Eva Gallant said...

Helene, you are the best! Love it. Your posts are always so much fun to read.

Kimberly said...

You are such a bad ass and I love it :)

Rebecca said...

omg...that "stick up your ass" would last for MONTHS in my house! hysterical...i don't blame you one bit for going batshitcrazy on that woman.

Shelly - Tropical Mum said...

"No one talks to my kids like that, except ME!"

I have come to realise that I have to tone down how I speak with my kids because I find Mstr7 starting to use some choice phrases that I have used when I've 'lost it' in the past. It is not pleasant to hear my 7 y.o. tell my 5 y.o. to "Be quiet and get out of my face!" *Cringe*

It is just so hard at the end of the day when they are hyped up and I just want some peace.

Great post, Helene. As always, a good read.

FranticMommy said...

I confess: I am obcessed with the word "puke" too. Tho I like to "fun it up" but using alternative words "yak" or "hurl", or "blow chunks". Cuz I am classy like that.
I too once was broadsided by a meddling hag once. She barked at my then 4 year old that he "was more thanm old of enough to tie your shoes." She was kind enough to add "because MY kids always could.". I remember smiling sweetly and insinuating her children had probably all grown up to be alcoholics. Cuz I am classy like that.:)

MiMi said...

UGH!!! I have a tale about a craft store and my kids too!
But that old lady totally wins bitchiest ever!
I'm laughing my ass off though. Only because it didn't happen to me, I guess. LOL!!!

Tiffany said...

Oh I LOVE that you went off on that lady!! Who thinks it's acceptable to parent other people's kids? If it bothered her that much she could have went to another aisle. I'm not saying I've never said those words in my head... but never to anyone else. Drives me bonkers!

Good for you!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Shut up! I can't believe she had the audicity to reprimand YOUR children. It's one thing to talk about me & my children, it's another to talk TO us. I would have totally gone off on her too.

Bo just said WTF...with the words. I have no idea where he heard that...

Jen said...

Ok, I LOVE the fact that you told off that lady.

Seriously. She had no right.

Heather said...

Can I just say I love you?!?! This is so me in ANY store with my boys. Of course I respect you WAY more than me because you do it with 4. I bow down to you my dear!

The Mother said...

No matter how bad my parenting skills might be (or seem to be), NO ONE is allowed to yell at my kids but me.

Give the poor beleaguered mom the benefit of the doubt, for pete's sake, and smile politely while butting out.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

You telling off that lady made my night!!!

shortmama said...

Sounds like she deserved to be told off! Why do people no just take into consideration that you are there trying to contain 4 kids who are being KIDS!

Aimee said...

I live next door to that woman! Well, you know not that exact woman since I live in another state...but one just like her. While I always try torespect my elders - I have no shame in drop kicking their wrinkly arses if they mess with one of my kids.
As for the stick up the butt comment, of if you only knew how much closer to mother of the year you are...well from me anyway! :)

Zeemaid said...

I hate it when people think they can get after other people's kids. One time O took a nasty spill on the cement and the neighbour piped up and said.. "what are you a wiener?" when O started to cry. I was so annoyed. He was only 3 for goodness sakes. I know the guy was trying to be helpful by joking O out of it but still.. very annoying.

Shell said...

Wow, good for you for standing up to her! I probably would have been so shocked that I wouldn't know what to say1

jennykate77 said...

HILARIOUS...all of it...you telling the wrinkled old bitter lady off, your kids repeating it later...and your comment about not being able to afford funeral expenses. So funny!

Love your blog! I'll be back!

Baby Pickel said...

Great post!!

GypsyFox The Glamorous Betty Crocker said...

pfff the nerve of the old broad!!! I went through something like this, but with a woman who almost hit me & my kids in the parking lot, now that was just uncalled for!

Debbie said...

Hi - Lovely blog you have! I'm so glad I found it. I'm a mom of triplets and you are my hero! 2 sets of twins? wow - that is awesome. Anyway - following you now...hope you have a lovely evening.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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