Friday, March 25, 2011

I confess....I let my child go into a public bathroom unsupervised

Is it me or do my confessions seem to be getting awfully worse as the weeks go by?  Hmmm, food for thought.

Confession of the Week:

I made an extremely bad call in determining that my kids are ready for more independence.

Now that Cole and Bella are 6 years old (well, 6.5 to be exact), I've allowed them more freedom and independence.

Okay, scratch that.  I've pretty much demanded that they cut the imaginary umbilical cord that keeps them attached to me like a stark raving mad mother nursing a bottle of wine.

Last week, we met up with some friends at one of our local pizza hangouts.  While we were waiting for them to arrive, Bella skipped up to me and said, "Mommy, I need to go pee".

Shrugging my shoulders, I replied, "Yeah....and I need a refill of Wellbutrin."

She stood there completely frozen, staring at me as if I had just told her that Star Magazine reported that Justin Bieber has putrid garlic breath.

"What?!" I challenged her.  "If you have to go to the bathroom, you're fully capable of taking yourself.  I can see the bathroom from here.  Tell you what, get a head start and I'll come check on you in a few minutes, okay?"

With that, she nodded her head and ran off to the bathroom.   And I, being the good mother that you all know me to be, promptly forgot she was in there.

After a few minutes, I saw her come out of the bathroom, holding something in her hand...a pearly-blue stick, it looked like.

She stopped in front of me and proudly announced, "Mommy, look what I found in the bathroom.  Isn't it pretty?"

A combination of disgust and horror crossed my face and she screamed, "What's wrong?!"

"Oh My God, put that down!  Like, throw it away!  That is SO disgusting!" I bellowed, sounding more like a Kardashian sister than a mature 40-something mother of 4.

Her eyes widened in fear, "Why?  What is it?!"

"Just go find a garbage quick and toss it, PLEASE!  And then get back here so I can sanitize your hands!" I implored.

I cowered in embarrassment as my young daughter raced over to a complete stranger and asked where the garbage was, while waving the pearly-blue "stick" in her hand.

The woman looked mystified, as I imagined her coming to terms with the fact that perhaps the scientists were correct when they alleged that all those growth hormones in dairy products do indeed cause early puberty in young children.

After throwing the "stick" away, Bella came back to me and urged me to tell her why I had become so alarmed.

"Uh, well..." I began, not quite sure how to word it.  "That was the outer tube of a tampon.  You know, it's just gross because it was empty so obviously it had been USED".  Just the mere thought of it again made my stomach twist into a million knots.

I squirted a huge blob of antibacterial gel into her hands and instructed her to completely sanitize her hands.  When she had the nerve to question me, I blurted, "You just touched something that was in someone else's VAGINA!  You better sanitize your hands NOW, missie!"

The look on her face was now one of confusion and repugnance.  "Eeeewww", she shrieked.  "Oh My God, that's SO gross!"

"Yeah," I agreed.  "And you, my friend, held it in your little hands and thought it was the prettiest thing ever".  She rolled her eyes at me, as if this was already yesterday's news.

When our friends finally arrived, I immediately told them what had happened because how precious is motherhood if you can't tell the whole world about your children's most embarrassing moments.

My friend laughed and told Bella, "Don't feel bad.  When I was around your age, I found a used tampon holder and pretended it was a trombone.  I actually put the end of it in my mouth!"

Bella, always one to try her best to be polite, couldn't help but shudder in disgust.  Because merely rubbing a used tampon tube against her cheek was so much classier than putting in in her mouth.

So...perhaps I've been a bit premature in thinking that she's ready for more independence and freedom.

You think?



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46 comments:

Mighty M said...

Oh man, I saw your FB post about this. Major EWWWW. At least you know she won't do that again!

Shawn said...

I'm so glad I have not eaten breakfast yet!!!!!

It's my first time here...two sets of twins!??! Girl I wanted twins so bad but two sets never ever crossed my mind, God really is a funny guy!

Tami's Eclectic Corner said...

I am laughing hysterically right now! My 4 year old did a similar thing only he found it in my trash. Still nasty!!

Drew's Mom said...

That is hysterically disgusting!! So much for independence.. Lol

VandyJ said...

Wow, just wow. Hmm, I've been letting my seven year old go to the bathroom by himself, but then again there's nothing like that in the men's room.
Just goes to show that making those things look nice doesn't really disguise the purpose they are used for, does it?

melissa78 said...

Excuse me while I clean up the vomit on my desk!! LOL

Eva Gallant said...

Ewwww....glad you had hand sanitizer handy!

This Daddy said...

And I thought Mens rooms were nasty. Tampons? Nice!

Deborah said...

Hi! Just came across your blog. Its funny because I also made a confession today on my blog. lol...anyway, loved your story! So funny. You must have been horrified to find what your daughter was holding but really your confession was hysterical. You are a busy lady with 2 sets of twins, and finding the time to blog? You go girl!

Morgan said...

Thank you for the good laugh this morning Helene!

Kristi said...

"Shrugging my shoulders, I replied, "Yeah....and I need a refill of Wellbutrin" was my first laugh....and then you just kept them coming! Seriously, funniest post I've read in weeks!! Fantastic job.
New follower...I think you're style is pure fun...and I could use a little of that!
Stop by and see me if you ever get the chance. Follow if you like what you see. :)

Nezzy said...

That is about the most hilarious story ever yet I feel bad for little Bella to have handled something so disgusting yet a treasure in her six year old eyes.

This was a terrific read and a great laugh sweetie!!! :o)

God bless and have a fantastic Friday!!!

Conni said...

oh that is way too funny....disgusting...but still way too funny!!

Thanks for sharing

Charlene said...

LMAO...only cause I've been there and done that with my kids too. I'll never forget the ten shades of red I turned when after having invited the carpet installer in my house and pointed in the room he was to go without checking first. Only to realize that when he left his face beet red, that one of my boys had taken pads (unused) and peeled all the tape off and stuck them to the front of their dresser. And hung tampons (unused again) by the strings to their dresser knobs. LMAO Kids, they never cease to amuse!

SherilinR said...

wow & eww! this reminds me of when my kid was taking a bath at her friends house & i caught her blowing up a douche bag like a balloon. i could still barf about it many years later!

Rhiannon said...

that is the funniest story hahaha i guess everyone has those stories... a friend of mine had her son use her bathroom and find her "toys"

amberlyadventures said...

I once took a liner from one of those bins out and gave it to my friend who was throwing up in the stall next to me for the car ride home.

She didn't know where I got it until I told her.

I was 19.

IT WAS EMPTY, WHATEVER!!! I didn't want her to throw up all over our friend's car!


haha
Have a great weekend!

Christina said...

OMG eww. Just ewwwww...lol!!

amanda said...

That was the funniest thing I've heard in a while!! I especially love the welbutrin comment and the lady wondering about the growth hormones. :)

sarajo said...

OMG, that is the bestest story of failed motherhood ever! I have too many to choose from to share, but never fear, you are not alone!

Amy said...

That is hysterical! God bless her little innocent heart...she'll be scarred for life over tampons!

Two sets of twins...I think you need some blessing yourself. Yikes!

Colleen said...

LMFAO! I'm absolutely neurotic when I have to take my kids into the bathroom. "Don't touch ANYTHING!" as they are lifting the toiletseat, trying to peek under the doors, flush the toilet...there is not enough hand sanitizer in the world for public bathroom trips. I can't imagine the day I hav eto let them go by themselves!

Jessica G. said...

Oh, I think that just made my day! I don't think I'll be able to stop giggling.

Brooke said...

Thank God for the hand sanitizer...never leave home without it.

ashley said...

Wow. You kids are something! I loooooove that you're able to share this.

Jayme said...

OMG ROFL

This was awesome.

Mamarazzi said...

i am gagging and laughing at the same time. so gross.

love your confessional!

Shell said...

OMG.

I let my boys go in the bathroom by themselves- well, my 6 and 4 y/o. But, no tampons in the boys' bathroom.

Mine LOVE to play with tampons. Thankfully, not used ones. But,they will open them up and litter the pieces around the house- after throwing them at each other and blowing on the tubes like horns.

Then Hubs will find a tube lying somewhere- like the kitchen floor- and be completely disgusted.

Zeemaid said...

Oh gross. That totally scares me because I've started letting my 7 year old go to the bathroom. It never even occurred to me that she'd find something like that.

It just goes to show that no matter how much you tell them NOT to pick up stuff off the floor, they will do it. blahhhhhh

María Agustina said...

Haha...that was fun...As a new mom, I was thinking: what if that woman had some STI or something contagious! Pour little Bella! And then I remembered your post about calling like a thousand times to the poison center cause you and your husband gave Benadryl twice to one of your babes, etc...So, now just hand sanitizer...why, that´s improvement Helene!!! I hope I´m going on that direction too...You always make me laugh...

Aimee said...

OMG I laughed so hard I snorted and then snorted so much I got the hiccups!

Jennifer said...

OMG - I just choked on my coffee!!!!

Kimberly said...

For the love of all things sanitized. I may have had to chop off my kids hands to save him from the germs. EEEEWWWW!!!

IASoupMama said...

Holy cow!

and

WOW!

and

EWWWwwwww!

I might have barfed on the table...

Twins Squared said...

I let my girls go in the bathroom all the time, and now I can totally see that happening! K picks up EVERYTHING! That never occured to me - eeewww!

Similar story, but not gross. Last month she found an ob tampon (long story - 20 year old wrapped tampon WITH instructions in a caboodle my mom gave them. She never checked to see what was inside.) M comes screaming at me that K is going to do something dangerous. After a lot of probing and not knowing what the heck they were talking about, M shows me what K found, along with the instructions that they were reading. Needless to say, they had a LOT of questions after that. It wasn't the time to answer (because I was cleaning up shattered glass all over the floor at the same moment). I wasn't sure what to say, Mike didn't want me to say anything, and yet I didn't want to give TOO Much info but still be honest. In that moment I said it was for grown ups for don't remember what I said but something vague and luckily they forgot about. I'm sure it's banked in their minds somewhere and when it resurfaces they'll ask again but I at least dodged a bullet. And at least it wasn't USED - gaggggggg!!!! Poor Bella. So hard to be a kid sometimes.

Claroux said...

First, I was laughing my ASS off reading this. Your posts are always fantastic but this one....this one is EPIC.

Second - on a more serious note. I am a Social Worker in a moderate security correctional facility that services developmentally disabled adults that were deemed to "low-functioning" to survive in prison. Regardless, 100% of the inmates name public restrooms as the NUMBER ONE place to look for children. And, most of the offenders are male and into little boys. So, please please please think of this every time your kids try to go to the bathroom alone. I wouldn't worry so much about this time with Bella because, like I said, the majority of offenders are men. As soon as I saw the title of your post my skin started crawling. You can only imagine the stories that I hear during therapy with these guys. Think of your worst nightmare involving your kids and then think ten times worse than that!

Sorry - I'll get off my soapbox now. Who am I to tell other Mom's how to mother. But I was totally unaware of the sickness that surrounds us and our children every day until I got this job. I feel like it's my duty as a Mom to warn others!

Claroux said...

oh - I forgot to add that everyone in the facility that I work at is a convicted sex offender - most of which are pedophiles!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Ewwww but then again, I can understand the fascination. I probably (at her age) would've grabbed it and thought I had found a treasure too. Not only that, give it to the boys and they would've really been in awe. Can you imagine what you can do with a tampon tube when you're a boy? You can make a rock launcher or something. Bella is so cute!

Matty said...

I have to admit that despite the hilarity in all this, I kept thinking about what if there was a pervert in the rest room. (Even though it was a ladies room). Like the commenter above, I too work in a field where I see awful things happen much too often. As a parent myself, I'm in no way judging anyone, because I too have had my hands full and my mind on other things throughout parenthood. I know from personal experience that you just can't keep an eye on your kids 100% of the time.

As a parent, I find this quite funny. It's pure comedy. As an employee in an occupation where I see the worst in society, I hold my breath when I read this.

Alicia said...

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOL! Never a dull moment with you!! I seriously would have been screaming! LOLOL!

Natalie said...

Gah!! YUCK! And exactly something Tater would do...except yeah, he would've probably put it in his mouth, too.

Kids are so awesome.

Sadia said...

All I have right now is "Ewwwwwwwwwww." I may find words later.

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

I love this!!! Thank you!

Twinpossible said...

Oh God Helene...you just cracked me up beyond words! That story is classic, as my 5 yr old would say. Gross to, as mom would say.

Knowing I have two more to potty train before we know it, I had allowed my 5 and 1/2 yr old to try once to go alone, as she insisted she was a big girl.

I popped into the stall unexpectedly. The paper was on the ground, and her hands were holding the bowl beneath her. GROSS! Plus there was some urine on the floor, and toilet paper on the ground. It was clean before SHE got in there. I don't know how she managed that all in only about 25 seconds, but she did.

She grabbed my pearly stick out of the garabage one day. That was icky enough. I'm sure your scrubbed those little hands like crazy, lol.

ANYWAY...I wanted you to know, you to know, you were my #1 pick for the stylish blogger award, and should you accept it, it is located here at my blog:

http://twinpossible.com/1-year-ago-today-the-stylish-blogger-award


I enjoy your blog very, very much. Keep on doing what you are doing, so well!

If you ever want to have a featured blogger, I'd be happy to write for you about anything, as I have BTDT ALL!

xoxo Shelly

The Mother said...

Nope. I don't think.

I think she needs a little education in hygiene. But she made it to and from the potty unscathed. She's ready. Even if you aren't.

Jenny said...

That is so gross! I don't think I could have eaten after that. Is it ok to soak your hands in bleach? Probably not, hmm.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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