Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Pouring My Heart Out...The Daily Struggle



I don't want to be her, even as my mouth opens and my ears hear her words, her anger, her bitterness pour out.

I want to radiate nothing but positive energy, always seeing the best in people...not the worst, like she does.

I want my life to be about helping others and making a difference...not spending every minute of the day being some innocent person's emotional vampire, like she is.

I want to smile so brightly that my heart can't help but beat in double time...not walk around with a painful scowl on my face, so miserable that it's written all over my face, like hers.

I long for people to want to be around me...not avoid me because all I do is put a damper on every situation, like she does.

I want to be compassionate, caring, selfless...not making everything about me, like she does.

I want to love my children so deeply that I can feel it within the depths of my soul...without having to convince myself that I am supposed to love my kids because that's how a mother should feel, like she does.

It's a constant daily struggle...because sometimes I fear it's in my blood to be just like her.

I don't know anything other than this life.  It's not ingrained in me the way it is for others.

It doesn't come naturally.  Love isn't an automatic, as some may think.  Every single day, I have to wake up and make the conscious decision to be different...to be the exact opposite of her.

And I am forever haunted by the reality of it...it's too distressing.

So I will continue to fight tooth and nail every moment of the day to ensure it doesn't happen.

I don't want to be her.



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36 comments:

Babygirl said...

Wow...this one really hit home. I wish I could articulate my feelings regarding this situation like you can. Thank you for this.

singedwingangel said...

Powerful post. I can completely relate cause I don't want to be the her in my life either. She will do whatever she can to make everyone miserable regardless. I think it should be more draining to behave that way..

Brooke said...

*hugs* i think you're desire to be different means that you're not like her.

Heather said...

I agree...very powerful post! You are such an encouraging person, Helene. It is a daily struggle for me not to radiate anger like my ex...a daily choice like you said. Keep on choosing; you are doing a great job!

Eva Gallant said...

That was a deeply moving post. All mothers can identify with it at times.

Mighty M said...

You are so very different! I think awareness is a great gift, and the reminder that you CAN be and ARE a great mom!

Nezzy said...

My heart goes out to you sweetie. Although you are your mother's daughter but you are not your mother. God gives is this blessed ability of choice. You can choose to be your own person. That person who is happy, kind and confident. You are chosen as a Child of the King and can do anything though Him.

You are a treasure to all of us who read your post!!!

God bless you and have a beautiful day my friend!!!

Samantha said...

Wow. Very moving. If it's any consolation, I think you are a great Mom (thinking of the cake post...you have more Mom-ness than me).

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

I fight the same fight. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. Lately, I gotta wonder. Keep up the fight - at least you recognize the symptoms. Then if you just walk the opposite direction so to speak, you can't help but be different than her. I'll be thinking of you and wish you luck. It's tough but, just to try means that you win!

Shell said...

It won't happen! We both learned by example what NOT to do. And I have faith that we can be good moms.

Ms.Wasteland said...

You AREN'T like her. Just by being aware of it and working against what you were shown - you aren't like her and you won't be.

{{HUGS}}

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Yeah. I think you are quite the opposite of her & like MW said, the fact that you realize how wrong was, makes you a better mom.

Cheryl Lage said...

You rock, Helene. Clearly. Obviously. Wonderfully. Eloquently.
Peace to you, Sweet Sister. :) You deserve it.

purseblogger said...

Helene--we have never talked about this but I KNOW you are not like her. Not at all. You are a wonderful person and mother. You have made a positive difference in my life. xoxo

IASoupMama said...

Wonderful post! I, too, struggle with learned negativity. I remind myself every time that I want to say something hurtful, "I love you." Just thinking that before I open my mouth, even if I'm not feeling it in the moment, prevents the hurtful words from sliding out like poison.

"I love you, and by reminding myself of that, I'm reminding myself that I love me."

Michelle said...

Helene, wow! That was so deep, heartfelt, beautiful and vulnerable. I too have to remind myself that "I am not her" (and there are several hers) and "the way it was for them isn't necessarily the way it will be for me". You are an amazing, joyous, loving mother - and I know from the short time I spent in the same city that you are the kind of person who attracts people (not repels them) with your outlook on life. Give my love to the kids. We'll be back in S for a few days this month, but will be buried in brain tumor-land with my MIL ... so probably no social visits!

Katie Hurley, LCSW said...

Powerful post. I also learned what not to do. I'm sure you are doing a great job as a loving mom.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Switch that "her" to "him" and I am right there with you.
And from where I am sitting....you are NOTHING like her.

le Chef said...

Sometimes I think those of us who ride the 30 extra pound Toyota of Super-mommyhood have a firmer grasp on what makes a good mommy.

We don't have to be "her" .. and you know which her I am referring to .. because I have a "her" as well, so I KNOW. I get it.

No all angels have wings hon, and that's OK. It's what keeps us humble.
Keep up the fight.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

You aren't her - you are you. I'm sure your life resembles nothing like hers. You have a wonderful man in your life and beautiful kids who remind you daily of how much you are loved. You share joy and laughter with everyone who knows you and/or reads your blog. You are nothing like her and I'm glad that you are you.

Karen Peterson said...

You are a wonderful mother and your kids adore you.

And this post was really well-written, Helene. Beautiful and heart-wrenching.

María Agustina said...

I can think in a million differences between you and her...Without the bitter, the sweet ain't as sweet girl. And the big difference with someone who doesn´t have to struggle, is that you are a strong fighter, and a much interesting mom.
You will never be anything like here, I can tell you that.

Christina said...

You know I feel the same way...great post.

durtysouthlovin said...

You took the words right out of my heart. I stumbled upon your blog a while ago and have been reading. I am amazed at what a great mother you are. I recently posted something very similar on howdidyouknowproject.com (though my words were changed a little once submitted) I am glad to know that I am not alone and it is possible to not follow in our parents footsteps. Thank you

Twinpossible said...

This was powerful Helene, and made me feel like it was something I had written about my own mother. Someone I fought to not be like my whole life, and I am nothing like, where I stand in my shoes today, thankfully, nor are you.

You are your own person. You don't have the power to change other people, but you do have the power to change yourself, and your own world surrounding you.

I am nothing like either of my parents, because I have chosen to be different. No cycle..it's broken. I broke it. You broke it to. You are not like her..you are like you, and we all like you:)

xoxo Shelly

http://www.twinpossible.com/blog

MamaHen Em said...

You are already ahead of the game, because you understand that it's a choice you have to make, being different. I know that choice, that feeling. Thank you for always being so transparently, you.

diane rene said...

followed you over from PYHO and I love this post!

I don't have a 'her', but I do understand the need to make a conscious effort to avoid certain natural instincts. it's new territory, and there is no instruction manual on feelings and life.

great job :)

shortmama said...

You will never be like her....because you recognize her behavior as a problem and wouldnt allow yourself to follow in her footsteps

Zeemaid said...

It is a great post because it not only shows how hard the struggle is but it also shows how much you've overcome it too. I mean that's obvious from what you share day to day.

I've always felt that being aware is half the battle. Thanks for sharing!

Rebecca said...

You totally had me at "because sometimes I fear it's in my blood to be just like her."

Everyday is a choice...love this post.

Mariboo said...

WOW, that was poignant, true and beautiful--like you! xoxoxo

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Ah, those naturally sunny people. I have to make a conscious effort some days too.

Jennifer said...

Big hugs my friend.

I think we all have a "her" in our lifes that we don't want to be like. I've known, all my life, that I don't want to be like the "her" in my life. I strive to be more - but there are times when I do see glimpses of "her" and it makes me so sad and angry and full of hate for myself.

But know that you recognize that and are conscious of it. And I can tell you that even though we've never meant FTF, I know that you have one of the sweetest hearts ever....

HUGS!

Sadia said...

It's become easier and easier to be less like my "her," but a huge part of that is having a mother-in-law who I *do* want to be like. I lucked out in that department!

Tiffany said...

I wanted to add another perspective and hopefully some encouragement. My Mother I think could have written this post. I remember once in the heat of a battle that all older teens have with parents as the final straws of childhood are breaking - she broke down crying and said, "Don't you get it? I don't know how to do any of this? I never ever wanted to be my Mom. I've never had an example. I'm feeling my way through b/c I don't know what a true Mom looks like."

I can assure you lady - that although you'll make mistakes (we all do) - your kids will see and recognize the strength and the difference you are making. The cool thing is you are giving your family a foundation, a legacy upon which they'll build on. And you will be their hero for changing the course of their history from what it could have been.

You're doing great.

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I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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