Monday, April 18, 2011

How to survive Spring Break with your kids....

Spring break has officially begun in our neck of the woods, people.

This is what I call a serious "fight or flight" situation.  The way I see it, I can either lock myself in the bathroom, curled up in the fetal position while sobbing hysterically OR I can suck it up and make the best of it.

Since having a complete meltdown doesn't bode well with the spawn (it makes them think they're in total control), I have no choice but to make the best of a horrible situation.

So here are some of my best tips for surviving Spring Break with your spawn....

1)  Chances are, they had some type of celebration at school the Friday before break began.  You know, the party that occurred 10 minutes before school let out, when the teachers shipped your kids home to you with a shit load of candy-filled plastic eggs, as they smiled and waved a friendly goodbye to their lovely students?  

Never mind that the principal and teachers were all high-5'ing each other and giggling hysterically as the last student left campus...that's when the REAL party began as they popped open the bubbly and played a nasty adult version of Twister.

And chances are, you hid that candy almost immediately upon returning home, right?

On Monday morning at approximately 9:00 am, break out the candy, folks.  This will buy you enough time to perhaps shower and eat breakfast.  It'll take the spawn roughly 30 minutes to consume all the candy and then what will follow will be what I like to refer to as "the sugar coma".

The sugar coma lasts for about 28 minutes, 10 seconds.  Enjoy it.  Have that 2nd cup of coffee.  You'll need it.

2)  Have plenty of activities planned that you can casually mention every time they misbehave.  Like, say, dyeing Easter eggs.

Try this..."Uh guys, if you  keep spitting at each other, I'm afraid we won't be able to dye Easter eggs".....or play at the park, fly the kite, poke the kitty, whatever.  Make it sound like they're really missing out on something good.

3)  Actually, have plenty of activities planned for real....or you will get your ass kicked and handed back to you on a silver platter by those same spawn.

4)  Some activities to do....

  • start a vegetable garden (no, I'm not joking...it'll kill some serious time)
  • open the front and back doors and tell them to run around the house, in and out, quickly 10 times (be sure to lock both doors on the 9th round, while they're still outside...that's KEY)
  • go for a bike ride (bring band-aids because you know someone's gonna get hurt)
  • go on a treasure hunt (and tell them they can't come back until they find Mommy's sanity)
  • walk around Costco while eating free samples (what I like to call "the poor man's lunch")
  • take them to the gym with you and let your trainer beat them into submission while you enjoy a strenuous stroll on the treadmill
  • break out the paints that you've hidden away, if you can find them (be aware they will more than likely paint on each other instead of the paper you've provided)
  • bake cookies (try not to lose your mind while repeatedly warning "don't eat too much dough or you'll die of salmonella poisoning") 

5)  Some activities they will find more enjoyable....

  • smelling each other's asses to see whose smells the worst
  • pulling each other's hair out in huge clumps
  • stuffing their younger siblings into the huge plastic bubble you bought at Costco, plugging up the exit hole and farting into it
  • jumping into the humongous pile of clean laundry you just sorted
  • hiding your beloved bottle of vodka 
  • screaming so loudly that the neighbors have considered calling 911 at least 3 times in the last hour
  • digging up the flowers you just planted in the front yard
  • frightening the family cat so badly that she refuses to leave her litter box for days
  • harrassing the exterminator to the point where he's tempted to "ignore" the obvious hornet's nest hanging from your child's outdoor swing set
  • texting the word "shit" to random people in your address book on your cell phone (including the grandparents who believe their grandchildren are the most precious and sweetest children alive)

6)   Be okay with the fact that they will probably not brush their teeth, change their underwear or say one nice word to their siblings the entire week.  It's only 7 days, people...if they were doing this shit during summer break, you'd have reason to be concerned.

7)  Stock your liquor cabinet with plenty of tequila, vodka and other fine spirits.  Have your Wellbutrin prescription refilled early.  And be sure to have plenty of chocolate, ice cream, cookies (hell, even pancake batter...whatever your necessary evil is) on hand to enjoy during those moments when you begin to think that coming back as an aardvark in your next life sounds like a darn good plan.

This is a sure sign that you are dangerously close to completely losing your mind.  In fact, you might want to have the local psych ward on speed dial, just in case.

8)  Go ahead and canvas the neighborhood, letting your neighbors, who don't have spawn living at home, know that it's Spring Break.  Apologize ahead of time for making their lives miserable for the next week and ask them to try to not judge you too harshly when they see your spawn riding their bikes outside in the middle of a tornado.

While you're at it, go ahead and give them your most recent picture so they can be sure to share it with the news reporters and local police when you go missing, after finally having followed through with that threat you're constantly making, "If you all don't calm down and find something to do, I'm gonna throw myself into oncoming traffic".

9)  Realize that Spring Break only happens ONCE A YEAR...thank God.

10)  If nothing else, count down the days on the calendar until the spawn return to school the following week, giving yourself permission to do nothing else but sit on the sofa and stare at the wall come Monday morning.

Or you can spend your quiet time googling "is it possible to grow back brain cells after having been subjected to extremely loud noises, God-awful smells and horrendous sights for 7 days straight?" and "What will happen to me if I ever lose my sense of humor?"

Pick your poison.


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33 comments:

Teresa said...

My three are all grown up now, but this definitely brought back memories...and gave me a lot of laughs!

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

Ha! What a list of ideas. May the force be with you! ;-) Our spring break is next week.

mama marchand said...

What I have to look forward to, haha!

Samantha said...

I forgot about Spring Break, and then I was grocery shopping this morning and all these damn kids were walking around. I was like, Crap!

Mighty M said...

Too funny! We went on vacation - that passed the time very well. However since I doubt we will be able to do that every year I will have to file this away for future reference.

Diva Latina said...

Blessed art thou among women! I have two breaks to deal with: Winter and Spring. My spawn is on spring break this week and we're off to a rousing start. Last night, he was so angry with me he grabbed my forearm and scratched me with 9-inch scratches. Today he's grounded. No entertainment for him.

Me, on the other hand, get to enjoy quiet time enough to update my resume and read blogs like yours, which are awesome AGAIN! I'm with ya, sister! Remember: Your only goal is to keep them alive and survive the week. I'll be praying for ya.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh Gawd! I remember the days! Good luck!

Stephanie Faris said...

Ahhhh, as a stepmom I can sorta relate to this but most of the time her mom is the one having to deal with things like this! There's always the old "quiet mouse" game, which was GENIUS!

Twins Squared said...

Poke the kitty for some reason really made me laugh! Too funny!

We had our spring break last month. It was going pretty well until the dog almost died and messed up our plans. Then by Thursday night I think I lost it, and it took about 2 weeks to recover. Thank goodness it's behind me. Good luck!

Lulu Lane Designs said...

HILARIOUS!!! And oh so true. I can survive Spring Break as it is only a week but what I'm already having nightmares over is summer!! Three kiddos home ALL day EVERY day. There's only so many things you can do on a miserably hot summer day. We are usually pool bound and people tend to think that my oldest is Hispanic as dark as he gets.
Thinking of it, now I realize why I consume large amounts of tequila in the summer time. I thought it was the heat but NO its the KIDS!!!

KSK said...

LOL! Sure, I laugh now, but the truth? ...This scares me! :)

http://kskspot.blogspot.com

Creative Junkie said...

It wasn't too long ago that I could have written this word for word. My two are a little older now and surviving spring break requires a whole new set of weapons in my arsenal. We're on spring break now and I'm happy to report that everyone is alive and on speaking terms. SUCCESS.

Karen Peterson said...

Oh, Helene. Good luck!

Yellow said...

We made it!!
The walls will be repainted next week, but other than that everything is standing!
I am getting a summer job, 12 hour days!

Evonne said...

My kids have a 5 day weekend coning up for Easter and I'm n my own with them for 3 of those days. I don't care what anyone says, 3 days is a lot! I am terrified!

Do you have the answers to those google questions? Just so I know ahead of time.

HoneyDame said...

ROTFLMAO! I have said it time and time again, you are one of the most humorously sarcastic people I have ever "run" into!

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Cracked me up yet again! If I ever lose my sense of humor, you might as well bury me. I wouldn't survive in this house!

The Mother said...

Duct tape.

Jen said...

I don't understand why kids need spring break away.

Zeemaid said...

HAH, in our neck of the woods spring break is TWO weeks.

Personally, I like the personal trainer one. They could always do with a little beating into shape. ;)

Shell said...

Our spring break is next week and I'm NOT looking forward to it.

I am stocking up on lots of wine.

Jane Bitch said...

Mine were on Spring Break a couple of weeks ago. My mind is just now getting back to order. Where the heck were you with these tips then huh? Thanks for nothing. Ha!

shortmama said...

So what would you do if you homeschooled with me and every week was like this? hehehehe

melissa78 said...

Thanks for the laugh!!!
I work at a school and boy did u nail the whole party 10 mins before school gets out!!!! I hope you survive spring break and rest up because SUMMER is right around the corner!!!! LOL

Nezzy said...

Heeehehhe!!! Only you my friend could come up with such as hilarious activity sheet!!! Your right, I've been there, done that.

On the day before a 'break' we have goodies in the break room and at the end of the day we would take our stuffed little bodies outta our room to high five! :o) True story!

God bless you sweet family and I hope ya'll have a great Easter.

Oops...I'm havin' a Happy Easter Giveaway over at my place! Please drop by! :o)

kc said...

that was hysterical!!!!! makes me thankful I only have one ;)

Missy said...

I'm laughing so hard I can hardly type. "smell each other's asses to see whose smells worse." Hilarity. And all too true, right?

Kakunaa said...

Helene, your misery makes my day :-) have a shot of tequila for me, will ya?

Desperate Housemommy said...

Where were you when my twins were small? Humph.

January Dawn said...

Oh. My. God. Thank you for the laughs. That was truly one of the most entertaining posts I've had the pleasure of reading. Thank goodness for Mom's with a sense of humour. Awesome.

Holly said...

Oh man! Heh. Just the visual of the kids sniffing one another's butts. And texting the grandparents naughty words.....

Mercy D'souza said...

Loved the 'find mom's sanity' part. Lost mine ages ago. Can't wait until mine are old enough for school.

Mommy Needs a Vacation said...

This post would have been VERY useful for me last week....

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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