Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Pouring My Heart Out....What Might Have Been



April 22.  It will always stay with me.

The estimated due date of a baby who should have been...but never was.

This child would've been 7 years old now.  He?  She?  I'll never know.

Back then, the pain was crushing, the grief unbearable.  It felt as if I would never heal completely.

"It gets easier," the nurse explained.  "Someday, it won't hurt as much." And I half-heartedly believed her.

Silent grief, they called it.

Why, I asked?

Because no one likes to talk openly about pregnancy loss.  You deal with it privately because you don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable...or worse, pity you.

You keep it to yourself simply to avoid the well-intentioned loved ones who say, "This baby just wasn't meant to be" and "Everything happens for a reason".

All you know is that there will never be a 1st birthday celebration for this child, no contagious belly laughs that would make you smile from the inside out...there will be no cherished hugs, no sweet, sloppy kisses, no whispered "I love you's".

It feels like a punishment for a crime you didn't commit...a life sentence of sorrow, uncertainty and bitterness.

However, there are some things you will always have that no one can take away from you...the memorable dates.

The day you found out you were pregnant, the first ultrasound when you laid eyes upon the little bean for the first time...and the estimated due date of when that tiny, precious gift would've been delivered safely into your loving arms.

It's true...time does heal all wounds.

But time does not erase memories, as painful as they were at one time.

No matter how much your life has changed since the loss....

And no matter how many children have been born to you since then...even realizing that those same children wouldn't be here if the bereaved child had lived...you will always remember.

And wonder.

What might have been.


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38 comments:

singedwingangel said...

I have no words.. just poignant and beautiful

Heather said...

So true. Definitely anyone who has lost a pregnancy can identify with that.

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

You truly know how to pour your heart out.

Lara said...

THIS is what they should tell you when you have a loss! Not the bullshit answer of "it wasn't meant to be" THIS is what you need to know! One day it won't be a soul sucking, fall on your knees pain, but it won't EVER be forgotten, and you won't EVER wonder about that little person you never got to meet!

Natalie said...

Thank you for sharing this....even though it might not be easy.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

I never know what to say about things like this. So instead, *hugs*.

Lisa said...

I always remember the same thing on the date I lost my baby and the day he or she was supposed to be due. I have the two greatest kids, but I never, ever will forget what might have been. Hugs.

Jenn said...

I always wonder if my losses will sting as much once I actually become a mother, instead of now, they are just a reminder of what I am not. But yes, it seems I will always wonder.

Eva Gallant said...

You write so eloquently, no matter what the topic is. Hugs to you.

Kakunaa said...

Thank you for sharing such a personal story...beautifully written.

Brooke said...

{{{hugs}}}

The Lane Family said...

This was a wonderful post. I so agree with many thing you said. My babies would have been 8,7 and 6. The part of your heart never heals completely.

Thank you for sharing.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Powerful post. We planted a tree & Sass talks about it from time to time, maybe she remembers, but I don't think the others even know. Do yours know about your baby?

Kim said...

What a beautiful post, Helene.

I miscarried between my first and second daughters, and even though it happened over ten years ago, my husband recently had a vivd dream in which we had 5 daughters (instead of our 4), just doing normal family stuff. That lost pregnancy effected us both on a lasting subconscious level.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

What a wonderful, powerful, amazing way to share. YOu are amazing.

Samantha said...

Great post, and it is true, you can never forget the dates. There are dates that I will never forget.

Kimmie said...

I've never seen your blog before. My sweet sister in law sent me this post. I also have 2 sets of twins, mine are all girls ;). I lost a baby in January and am having such a hard time with it. Each Tuesday marks the next week I should have been in my pregnancy. I'm afraid when I get to the due date in September, I'll be a wreck.

Everything you wrote is so very true. It's so hard to put into words but you did it well.

Thank you for writing this.

God Bless
Kimmie

Laura said...

I'm not sure of what to say, except, thanks for sharing.

Nezzy said...

I know what you are feelin'. I too have angel babies in Heaven and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of the person they may of become. I'm so sorry for your loss.

God bless and have a peaceful day sweetie!!! :o)

Dysfunctional Mom said...

This is just heartbreaking. I can't imagine that loss, and it's such a shame that nobody wants to talk about it. It must make grieving even harder.

Shell said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, my friend.

I have no words- just sending you some love.

Shelby said...

This is all so true. I've been thinking of my sweet little angel who would be turning 2 right about now (edd 4-30-09). It has gotten easier but I will never forget. I mentioned something to my husband not too long ago about our sweet baby and he informed me that he never thinks about it. Sad :( but without the heartbreaking loss I wouldn't have my amazing twosome so I guess the universe finds a way to right a wrong. I'm happy to know it's not just me that remembers all the details.

shortmama said...

Made me cry reading this post as I too have lost a pregnancy. He/she would have been 5 this year in September. I always wonder about that baby

Twins Squared said...

So sorry Helene. That is one thing I haven't been through. I used to think after doing all the fertility stuff, that the worst thing in the world would be to finally get pregnant and then miscarry. Just makes you appreciate your 4 so much more! But I know you will always carry that with you.

Hugs xoxo

HoneyDame said...

As always, you have delivered. You are an admirably strong woman, Helene.

Heather said...

There are dates in my head too... Mine would have been 8 this year. I cherish the 2 I have and hold close to my heart the 3 I lost. Thank you for sharing this, for saying out loud the things not many people let you say. My heart goes out to you.

Kristy @ Fried Kristy said...

Thank you for sharing. I actually just 'poured my heart out' about our loss today, too. It will be just 3 months next week since we lost our little one. Prayers and blessings to you.

Cindy said...

On Dec. 23,1980,our first son was stillborn at 22 1/2 weeks. He was alive while I was in labor,but died due to delivery trauma. We never knew what caused the premature labor,the pregnancy had been fine up until then. His death was followed by a miscarriage,then the birth of a healthy son;followed by the early miscarriage of twins,another early miscarriage,the birth of another healthy son;an early miscarriage then the birth of a healthy daughter.

Just Another Mom of 2 said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and the heartache you continue to experience as a result. Time might go on, but there are some things you can't forget. (hugs)

Karen Peterson said...

I have no idea how it truly feels, but I understand what you're saying. I'm glad you're strong enough and brave enough to share these experiences now.

Barbara said...

so beautifully written and so true! No one can ever erase that memory of the first pregnancy test and ultrasound, even if the baby doesn't make it.

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

Do you have any idea how many women this post could help? Amazing...

This statement: "punishment for a crime you didn't commit" is so appropriate.

Buckeroomama said...

Beautifully written, Helene. As always.

You're right. It might not hurt as much, but the memories are still there and one will always wonder.

Deb said...

I have no words so I'm just sending you hugs. Thank you for sharing.

Heather said...

Very true post, Helene.

Boobies said...

Not sure what to say...XO. I think it's beautiful that you shared this with us though...

Tamika said...

"And no matter how many children have been born to you since then...even realizing that those same children wouldn't be here if the bereaved child had lived...you will always remember."

Oh. so. true. And how ironic that I find this post of yours today - the EDD of the first babe I lost. I have gone on to give birth to 5 healthy babies - the eldest would not be here if I'd not lost our first. My babe should have been turning 9. Instead, my beautiful daughter will turn 9 in August.

My eldest son was a twin - and I lost his twin early on - each time we celebrate his birthday, I wonder what the child would be like.

HUGS and I love your words.

Jayme said...

I love this post, you put it into words so succinctly and beautifully.

I'll remember with you.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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