I'll admit that I can be a nag to my kids. I'm constantly reminding them to clean up after themselves, treat others with respect and not to pick their noses and wipe it in each other's hair.
I'm the mother. I'm supposed to be full of life lessons, am I right?
So why is it that suddenly the tables have turned? The spawn are on patrol, out to bust me every chance they get. They're just waiting for me to screw up so they can pounce and spew forth all their wisdom onto me.
Here are some ways in which I've been corrected and/or enlightened recently, that I'm sharing with you to save you the same embarrassment and humiliation. Because no one likes to be put in their place, especially by a child who can barely wipe his own ass.
Consider this a "now you know" kind of post.
1) It's never cool with God when you use His son's name in vein. If you mutter "Jesus Christ" in your children's presence, don't be surprised to hear a soft voice reprimanding you, "Um, you're supposed to say Cheese and Crackers. You're making God very sad when you say Jesus' name for no good reason."
Side note: Telling the kids that it's all good because you already have a one-way ticket to hell isn't cool either.
2) Saying the words and phrases "frack", "dangit" and "son of a mother" are not acceptable, especially when the kids know you're simply substituting a nonsense word for the real deal. They STILL know you meant to say "fuck", "dammit" and "son of a bitch".
You can't pull the wool over their beady little eyes so don't even try.
3) Never let them watch Oprah or Dr. Oz because children, too, are entitled to have "a-ha" moments. The kids will make your life miserable, with constant, annoying reminders such as....
"You shouldn't be looking at your cell phone even though we're sitting at a red light. Oprah says it's not wise to text and drive."
"Mommy, Dr Oz says you should eat one apple a day. Did you eat an apple before you ate that bowl of ice cream?"
Try to ignore the fact that the kids NEVER listen to you...but Oprah and Dr Oz, their words are golden.
4) "Fat" is a bad word, even if you are simply describing the part of the chicken that you are removing prior to cooking. In fact, using the word "fat" in any way, shape or form is considered a crime within the preschool population.
5) Farts are too precious to be wasted in the privacy of your own bathroom. It's so much better if you corner an unsuspecting, innocent person (preferably a younger sibling) and back him/her into a corner, forcing the poor child to inhale the foul odor of what your body considers garbage.
6) Why waste perfectly good saliva when spitting in someone else's hair is totally acceptable?
Bonus points if that person is fully unaware that he/she just got spit on.
7) When saying "I love you" to one another, it's essential to to get into a bidding war over just HOW MUCH you love that person, such as...
"I love you to infinity and beyond, times 1 trillion, 2 billion, 5 million and 10 seconds..."
"Well, I love you more than the earth loves water..."
"Oh yeah? I love you more than Santa Claus loves his reindeer and more than the Easter Bunny loves grass..."
"Well, I love you more than Daddy loves soda..."
None of this will make sense but the sillier the better. If it makes your kids feel like they are loved more than humanly possible, who cares, right?
Just don't let anyone else hear this conversation or you may get a phone call from the school psychologist, requesting you be present at her next workshop...Appropriate Ways to Show Your Children Affection and Love
8) No one's gonna die if you leave the dirty dishes in the sink for longer than 30 minutes.
It's way more important to play the board game "Life" with the kids 3 times in a row, even if they win the game as retired billionaires with a mansion full of grandchildren while you retire with a measly $685,000 and 2 unappreciative kids who never even said as much as "thank you for going broke so I could go to college" .
9) Making the kids clean up their toys every day is senseless. Why? Because they have every intention of making the same exact mess the very next day.
Now, there's an "a-ha" moment to top ALL "a-ha" moments.
10) Think before you speak. For example, it's not very nice to answer "Mommy, what was I like before I could walk and talk?" with the following statement...
"Quiet. You were quiet. Life was peaceful."
They would prefer to hear this instead...
"You were actually a little boring. I couldn't wait for you to talk and walk because the house was too darn quiet all the time. I looked so forward to the day I had to chase you all over God's green earth in order to prevent you from becoming a street pizza in a busy parking lot....oh, and I could hardly wait for the day where you would repeat all the bad words I say to your grandmother. That was a proud day for sure! But the best part, hands down, was when you would wake up at 3 in the morning, stand up in your crib and scream "Mama, mama, mama" repeatedly until I finally stumbled into your room, half asleep, simply because you needed a kiss."
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