Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Well, who died and made them boss?

I'll admit that I can be a nag to my kids.  I'm constantly reminding them to clean up after themselves, treat others with respect and not to pick their noses and wipe it in each other's hair.

I'm the mother.  I'm supposed to be full of life lessons, am I right?

So why is it that suddenly the tables have turned?  The spawn are on patrol, out to bust me every chance they get.  They're just waiting for me to screw up so they can pounce and spew forth all their wisdom onto me.

Here are some ways in which I've been corrected and/or enlightened recently, that I'm sharing with you to save you the same embarrassment and humiliation.   Because no one likes to be put in their place, especially by a child who can barely wipe his own ass.

Consider this a "now you know" kind of post.

1)  It's never cool with God when you use His son's name in vein.  If you mutter "Jesus Christ" in your children's presence, don't be surprised to hear a soft voice reprimanding you, "Um, you're supposed to say Cheese and Crackers.  You're making God very sad when you say Jesus' name for no good reason."

Side note:  Telling the kids that it's all good because you already have a one-way ticket to hell isn't cool either.

2)  Saying the words and phrases "frack", "dangit" and "son of a mother" are not acceptable, especially when the kids know you're simply substituting a nonsense word for the real deal.  They STILL know you meant to say "fuck", "dammit" and "son of a bitch".

You can't pull the wool over their beady little eyes so don't even try.

3)  Never let them watch Oprah or Dr. Oz because children, too, are entitled to have "a-ha" moments.   The kids will make your life miserable, with constant, annoying reminders such as....

"You shouldn't be looking at your cell phone even though we're sitting at a red light.  Oprah says it's not wise to text and drive."

"Mommy, Dr Oz says you should eat one apple a day.  Did you eat an apple before you ate that bowl of ice cream?"

Try to ignore the fact that the kids NEVER listen to you...but Oprah and Dr Oz, their words are golden.

4)   "Fat" is a bad word, even if you are simply describing the part of the chicken that you are removing prior to cooking.  In fact, using the word "fat" in any way, shape or form is considered a crime within the preschool population.

5)  Farts are too precious to be wasted in the privacy of your own bathroom.  It's so much better if you corner an unsuspecting, innocent person (preferably a younger sibling) and back him/her into a corner, forcing the poor child to inhale the foul odor of what your body considers garbage.

6)  Why waste perfectly good saliva when spitting in someone else's hair is totally acceptable?

Bonus points if that person is fully unaware that he/she just got spit on.

7)  When saying "I love you" to one another, it's essential to to get into a bidding war over just HOW MUCH you love that person, such as...

"I love you to infinity and beyond, times 1 trillion, 2 billion, 5 million and 10 seconds..."

"Well, I love you more than the earth loves water..."

"Oh yeah?  I love you more than Santa Claus loves his reindeer and more than the Easter Bunny loves grass..."

"Well, I love you more than Daddy loves soda..."

None of this will make sense but the sillier the better.  If it makes your kids feel like they are loved more than humanly possible, who cares, right?

Just don't let anyone else hear this conversation or you may get a phone call from the school psychologist, requesting you be present at her next workshop...Appropriate Ways to Show Your Children Affection and Love

8)  No one's gonna die if you leave the dirty dishes in the sink for longer than 30 minutes.

It's way more important to play the board game "Life" with the kids 3 times in a row, even if they win the game as retired billionaires with a mansion full of grandchildren while you retire with a measly $685,000 and 2 unappreciative kids who never even said as much as "thank you for going broke so I could go to college" .

9)  Making the kids clean up their toys every day is senseless.  Why?  Because they have every intention of making the same exact mess the very next day.

Now, there's an "a-ha" moment to top ALL "a-ha" moments.

10)  Think before you speak.  For example, it's not very nice to answer "Mommy, what was I like before I could walk and talk?" with the following statement...

"Quiet.  You were quiet.  Life was peaceful."

They would prefer to hear this instead...

"You were actually a little boring.  I couldn't wait for you to talk and walk because the house was too darn quiet all the time.  I looked so forward to the day I had to chase you all over God's green earth in order to prevent you from becoming a street pizza in a busy parking lot....oh, and I could hardly wait for the day where you would repeat all the bad words I say to your grandmother.  That was a proud day for sure!  But the best part, hands down, was when you would wake up at 3 in the morning, stand up in your crib and scream "Mama, mama, mama" repeatedly until I finally stumbled into your room, half asleep, simply because you needed a kiss."


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47 comments:

Deborah said...

great post! I love kids and the things they say :)

Marcia (123 blog) said...

thanks for the laugh with number 10 - that is SOOO sweet if annoying :)

Donna said...

AWWWW!! That was the SWEETEST ending evah!! Precious! But before that, I was having a good ole laugh and sharing in your life!

blueviolet said...

You had me cracking up! When you talked about them being little know-it-all's from watching Dr. Oz and whatnot, I could SO relate to that!

Your fart one also had me rolling.

January Dawn said...

That was a good read! Kids are so FUNNY....and they're great for laughing at any and all farting and burping jokes. I simply say the word "stinky" and my 3 year old rolls on the ground. I love the ending. Sooo sweet.

purseblogger said...

LOL! I love this post! It is so true. :)

Samantha said...

We're currently struggling with the first 2 on your list. It's a load of fun! Not.

singedwingangel said...

So me telling you that it does not get better with their aging doesn't help does it?? Cause mine do it all the time and they also really love Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz as they get older and can understand more of what he is talking about.

HoneyDame said...

Can you adopt me so that I can come lie with you and experience these exchanges first hand?

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

What a list!! :-)

IASoupMama said...

Great list! I'm thinking there's some words of wisdom there as we're now officially outnumbered by our children. (The girls were born April 18). Right now, they might appear to be sweet, helpless infants, but I'm quite certain that they're plotting my downfall in their little grunts and squeaks...

Natalie said...

Wow who knew that Oprah and Dr. Oz took over kids' minds too! Great post!

Brooke said...

cheese and crackers! :P

Jayme said...

We say cheese and rice... and son of a biscuit maker LOL

Kakunaa said...

My husband already knew the rule about farts, LOL

Nezzy said...

Ya just can't argue with the wise wisdom of a child! Heeehehe!

Loved your list. I better go down an apple so I can nibble some chocolate! :o)

God bless and have a great day sweetie!

Rhiannon said...

i feel like i lived through an episode of kids say the darnest things. lol
my son loves to claim farts even when they're not his!

Kristina P. said...

You are like my Mommyhood Oprah.

Sarah said...

"Side note: Telling the kids that it's all good because you already have a one-way ticket to hell isn't cool either."

LOVE IT!

Jessica said...

This is freaking hilarious! I'm laughing out loud right now. Life was quiet and peaceful before you started walking and talking was the best answer ever for that questions.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

I love this post! #10 is my favorite :-)

SaraMG said...

"Try to ignore the fact that the kids NEVER listen to you...but Oprah and Dr Oz, their words are golden." such wisdom Helene, you couldn't be more right!

And I love the last one, sort of made me tear up a little :)

Missy said...

Speaking of looking at your phone at red lights, my 9yo just outed me to The Big Man over the weekend. "Daddy, we're at a red light. Do you need to check your phone?"

"No, honey, why?"

"That's what Mommy does at all the red lights - texts people."

NICE.

middle child said...

"street pizza?" Is it ok that I laughed my ass off at that?

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I'm dying over "street pizza" too!
Make sure you say this often: "do as I SAY, not as I DO."

The Blue Zoo said...

I shall never let my kids watch Oprah, or that Oz guy. lol I say "Cheese and Rice!!!" All the time.

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

LOL...#5 is a CLASSIC!!!! I am totally doing this today!

Boobies said...

I heart you!!

There comes a point when the tables do in fact turn...My kids are quick to point out my flaws...every.single.one of them.

Love this post!

Stephanie said...

That was the best ending ever!! All the points were great and I am so happy now that I am NOT a fan of Oprah and Dr Phil and therefore my kids never get to have a-ha moments.

Shell said...

I have to agree with the toys one! Why bothter? The toys have taken over the house.

Date Girl said...

Haha oh man! Little police on your hands. I remember being a know it all with my mom. I love your responses, especially how peaceful things were before they learned to walk and talk. :-) the more I'm around little ones the more I understand moms not encouraging their babies to walk early.

Desperate Housemommy said...

I like the fart one. They really are little smelly miracles, no? Definitely must be exploited to their fullest potential.

Karen Peterson said...

It's scary the stuff kids actually pay attention to.

Crossed Fingers said...

HAHAHAHA!!! Love that last paragraph. You have an awesome way with words.

Twins Squared said...

I was just telling my mom last week that I feel like I nag my kids a lot. Which is odd because I don't nag my husband really. But I feel like all I do is nag all day. I think the more you have the more you are nagging because so much needs to be corrected. But lately I've been more aware of it and I don't want them to only hear nagging from me all the time. But then what do you do? You still have to tell them not to do things.

And then yes, sometimes it starts to come back to haunt you! Who could blame them?

Twins Squared said...

Oh, I have noticed too that anything the TEACHER says is golden too, even if the teacher is wrong!

Ms.Wasteland said...

Number 9 is something I wish I'd learned years ago. Seriously! I've wasted so much time picking up after people around here. Funny read, Helene!

Heather said...

Oh yeah totally have the fart thing mastered in our house!

I hate it when my kids catch me doing something I am not supposed to be doing!

Gwen said...

LMAO! Perfect! Reading this makes me feel a little less crazy!

G-Zell said...

BrAHAHAH I loved this. One way ticket to hell...... LOL... Oh and Jesus Christ... I am praying all day long.....

I was reading to my girls this new bible book and there was a section on Jesus.

My 5 yr old..says.... oooohhhh Like JESUS CHRIST when you get man!!! LOL..... I wanted to laugh so badly.

Debbie said...

I have always wondered why they listen to everyone except us!
Brilliant post.

Stephanie Faris said...

Good point about substituting words for profanities. Kids ALWAYS know what you're substituting, somehow!

Barbara said...

Hysterical and so true and apparently I have so much more to look forward to!

shortmama said...

I try to cover up my "bad" words too...like cheese and rice and son of a biscuit eater. It doesnt work...damn kids know exactly what the hell Im saying

Mamarazzi said...

kids are SO good at keeping us honest.

love this post...

i always eat my apple in the morning so i can eat whatever i want the rest of the day!!

kc said...

one of the best posts ever! I had one of those moments yesterday after piking up Doodles (after getting home from the airport)...I was on the phone and said 'shit' and it was as if the world stood still. Mommy, did I hear you say the sh word? You know your not supposed to use bad words. And you drank alcohol??? don't do that! I don't like it.

I wonder if I get extra mommy points because I didn't point out how rude it was to eavesdrop... :)

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates said...

OH, that is just the best excuse every NOT to exercise. He sounds like my husband! Halfway through my routine he will tell me his done and go assist someone with a "computer problem" while I finish my workout!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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