Friday, June 3, 2011

They've grown up and left home....

Oh, you thought I was referring to the 4 mini-spawn who suck the life out of me on an hourly basis?!

Nope, they're still here...expecting me to entertain them morning, noon and night.  Because that's what kids do, after all.

I'm referring to the family of swallows who stayed with us for a little while last summer...who have since come back to our front porch yet again to create ANOTHER batch of baby birds.

So I'll leave you with this post from exactly this time last year in case you missed it (or if you're like me and desperately need to laugh at someone else's expense)....

Remember the barn swallows that we had an ongoing war with a couple months ago?

They wanted to build their nest yet again on our turf…nothing was going to deter them?

Well, we decided to wave the white flag after all and let them stay.

And they thanked us by crapping all over our front porch. As if I don’t have enough crap to deal with on a daily basis, right?

Let me take you through the timeline in which we’ve enjoyed our temporary houseguests…

First, we have Mama Bird and Daddy bird…well, I’m assuming he’s the Daddy bird. I suppose it could be a Mother’s Helper or a friend-with-benefits.


And we waited, the kids and I. We waited night and day for those damn eggs to hatch.

One day, the kids convinced me to get a ladder and peek in the nest, when Mama Bird left one day to get hair extensions put in. Oh wait, I confused her with Kate Gosselin.

I barely got on the top step of the ladder when Mama Bird flew in from nowhere and went all Mike Tyson on me. And she brought friends….lots of angry friends.

Needless to say, that was the last time I listened to my evil children, who laughed the entire time I was trying to swat away a slew of pissed-off birds from biting off my ears. Kind of reminded me of the “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be just fine” incident.

Finally…FINALLY…the eggs hatched and there were 4 babies. Yes, 4 baby birds.

Seems this Mama bird and I have more in common than we thought, except I don’t have the luxury of just flying off any ole’ time I need a break.

I guess Mama bird is more like Kate Gosselin than I thought.


When she was gone, the 4 babies would just sit perched high up in their nest, observing the curious world around them.

Do you get what I’m saying, people? Yeah, these birds were quiet. Not one peep out of them the entire time their Mama was gone.

I might have become just a little bit more disgruntled at that point.

But when Mama bird would appear suddenly, they’d start squawking and chirping…begging for food. She’d quickly place food into their tiny mouths and then fly off to go get more for them.


The kids and I were fascinated watching her fly back and forth, as she gathered food for them.

I added my own commentary, as the spawn attentively observed the sweet bird family.

“Wow, look at them eat…I don’t hear any of them complaining about not liking what she’s giving them. I don’t see them spitting the food back out or wasting one little morsel”.

Of course, one of the smart-ass spawn had to add, “Well, she’s probably feeding them something that they want, like hotdogs or macaroni and cheese".


I fantasized about how wonderful it would be if my kids were that appreciative of all the effort I put forth in the kitchen to make them delicious, nutritious meals…or when I left the room for just 10 measly seconds to go pee, they’d sit quietly and patiently wait for my return instead of following me into the bathroom, complaining about bored they are.

Just then, Mama Bird caught me staring at her…


I think she could see the resentment in my face, as I said out loud to her, “You sure have the life, don’t you?”

And you know what she did?

She lifted her tail and crapped all over my freshly cleaned front porch.

“Well, tough shit for you,” I imagined her saying.

Several days have passed and now the nest is empty. Each of the babies have learned to fly and they spend their days going on one adventurous journey after another.

I have to admit that part of me was a little sad to see the baby birds leaving the nest so soon.

Until I saw this….


Like typical kids, they’ve learned their lessons well and have moved on to experience life on their own….but they still come back to shit on my front porch.

Why do I get the odd feeling that this is a foreshadowing of things to come in my not-so-distant future? Registered & Protected


Amanda's Mom said...

Hahaha ... two words ... dryer sheets. Yep, they don't like them so, pin them in the higher corners. And, as to the kids coming home .... well, you're right. Thus my comment when hubby asks if I've heard from the kids: "No news is good news."

singedwingangel said...

OK tell your babies that what mama bird feeds the young is stuff she ate firs and she throws back up for them to eat.. Oh yeah hun she pukes in their wide open mouths and they eat it..sooo now what they got to say lol.. bet your meals become gourmet after that info

January Dawn said...

Oh Helene you always make me laugh...I'm sorry it's at your expense but that was some good shit. BAHAHAHAHA!!
(Please forgive me for that awful joke.)

michellespann said...

Ok birds freak me out and those things look EVIL!

Ashley said...

hahahaha...that is too funny! Hopefully your four won't shit all over your porch. :)

Twins Squared said...

I missed the part that said this was an old post, and as I was reading I could have sworn I remembered this one. But I remember several bird posts. I actually have a bird story I need to tell but I'm waiting to get the pics on the computer. Unfortunately it's not a happy ending. And the mama bird went a little Mike Tyson on me too and that was the funny part of the story!

Speaking of funny, what a hilarious dream!!! I only WISH I lived on the ocean! But me getting mad at Mike sounds about normal. :)

Maybe someday we'll meet. But I doubt you're going to be visiting Houston anytime soon. It isn't exactly Disneyland here. Now San Antonio, that's a different story.

We should plan a grown up weekend for the multiple multiples group! Of course, that would assume any of us would ever be able to leave our houses kid-free!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for a good hearty laugh today!!!..and your commenters made me laugh some more! Funny stuff :)

Eva Gallant said...

Ha Ha Ha.....definitely a sign of things to come!

Samantha said...

This post made me giggle!

My Mom and Dad have had two stupid birds build two separate nests in a hanging basket my Mom has on the front door. The first batch of birdies that hatched from there, were eaten by stray cats in the neighborhood :(

We thought that maybe Birds talked and maybe would warn other birds not to make a nest or lay eggs in that hanging basket on the front door...but 2 weeks later, there is a new bird, with new eggs. I don't guess they've hatched yet...but here's to hoping the cats stay away!

Kimberly said...

All I kept thinking about is bird shit...nasty.

Shelly - Tropical Mum said...

If your offspring HAD grown up and moved out of house, it would be like a soap opera. Isn't it amazing how fast children grow up in the soaps?

This post made me giggle, especially the bit at the end about what the mama bird did when she hear you talking to her.

The Mother said...

Yes, they go off and leave home. But when they come back, it's fun. No shitting on the front porch.

The days my adult sons pop by are some of my favorite--I love the men they have become. Especially the Grouch, who has come into himself and almost no longer deserves the name.

Barbara said...

This was hysterical! I love the part about the "hot dogs and macaroni and cheese".

MiMi said...

Okay, seriously...birds kinda gross me out.
And I KNOW that bird that's sitting with Mama bird is cheating on his bird wife. I saw him down the road with another birdy woman the other day.

Anonymous said...

I remember reading this story way back when and it is still funny!

Twins Squared said...

Hey! Wanted you to know I posted MY bird story - not a funny one at all, but gave you a shout out to give my readers a lift! :)

Anonymous said...

un saluto dall'Italia...passa a visitare il mio blog...grazie!!!

Holly said...

Heh! Foreshadowing. Wildlife can definitely teach us some life lessons! Thanks for sharing your pictures and story. My family loves watching birds.

2Wired2Tired said...

Love those photos - of the birds, not the poop! I can't believe they can be so cute, but leave such a mess behind. Definitely sounds like some little people we know well (yours and mine!).

Natalie said...

Ha ha love the play-by-play! I thought you were going to say she pooped on your head...thank goodness that wasn't the case.

Shelly said...

We had some barn swallows who were determined to make a nest on my front porch. I used a broom for days chasing them away. They would just hover around my porch waiting for me to go back inside the house. Finally my neighbor told me the do not like snakes and so I just placed a plastic snake on the porch and the birds left and never returned!!!!

Karen Peterson said...

There's a building on my campus that needs to be torn down. They were all ready to do it, but discovered a bunch of swallows nesting there. Now they're waiting until the swallows leave to knock the building down. Those birds are going to be in for a big surprise next year.

Nancy said...

At our old house we had some sparrows that would move in every year. Like you, we attempted to evict them the first year and failed. They were right above my front door and every time I'd try to leave my house they'd swoop down and try to attack me! I had a love/hate relationship with those birds. I was happy to see them go so I could clean up their crap.

I loved your comparisons to mommy-hood... LOL

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time. I still come back and read when I can!

Tarah said...

I remember that post - they're awesome birds!

Karla said...

Hope you don't have the fly problem we have because of those birds nesting by our door! It's awful!

Kim said...

We made the mistake of hanging a little pine cone bird feeder that the twins made in the lilac bush outside my kitchen window. It's attracted the birds all right, and now we have a bunch of bird poop all over the deck.

Mrs. C said...

Ha! Love this post. We have a bird nest right outside our bedroom window. So, when the baby isn't screaming, the birds are!

Have a great weekend!

Kristy said...

Awww. They look so cute! I found you through Shell's site!

Missy said...

So we had the exact same thing happen this spring (minus the shit). A bird couple build their nest in between our screen and kitchen window so we got to watch them while eating breakfast and dinner every day. I was, like you, amazed at how quiet they were when Mom was gone. I was also AMAZED at how loudly they could cheep when she got near. And I swear there was one baby who totally hogged all of her deliveries - little glutton.

Not Just Another Jennifer said...

Ha ha ha! Cool opportunity to view nature up close. As I tell my oldest, weekly it seems, everybody poops.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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