Oh, you thought I was referring to the 4 mini-spawn who suck the life out of me on an hourly basis?!
Nope, they're still here...expecting me to entertain them morning, noon and night. Because that's what kids do, after all.
I'm referring to the family of swallows who stayed with us for a little while last summer...who have since come back to our front porch yet again to create ANOTHER batch of baby birds.
So I'll leave you with this post from exactly this time last year in case you missed it (or if you're like me and desperately need to laugh at someone else's expense)....
Remember the barn swallows that we had an ongoing war with a couple months ago?
They wanted to build their nest yet again on our turf…nothing was going to deter them?
Well, we decided to wave the white flag after all and let them stay.
And they thanked us by crapping all over our front porch. As if I don’t have enough crap to deal with on a daily basis, right?
Let me take you through the timeline in which we’ve enjoyed our temporary houseguests…
First, we have Mama Bird and Daddy bird…well, I’m assuming he’s the Daddy bird. I suppose it could be a Mother’s Helper or a friend-with-benefits.
And we waited, the kids and I. We waited night and day for those damn eggs to hatch.
One day, the kids convinced me to get a ladder and peek in the nest, when Mama Bird left one day to get hair extensions put in. Oh wait, I confused her with Kate Gosselin.
I barely got on the top step of the ladder when Mama Bird flew in from nowhere and went all Mike Tyson on me. And she brought friends….lots of angry friends.
Needless to say, that was the last time I listened to my evil children, who laughed the entire time I was trying to swat away a slew of pissed-off birds from biting off my ears. Kind of reminded me of the “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be just fine” incident.
Finally…FINALLY…the eggs hatched and there were 4 babies. Yes, 4 baby birds.
Seems this Mama bird and I have more in common than we thought, except I don’t have the luxury of just flying off any ole’ time I need a break.
I guess Mama bird is more like Kate Gosselin than I thought.
When she was gone, the 4 babies would just sit perched high up in their nest, observing the curious world around them.
Do you get what I’m saying, people? Yeah, these birds were quiet. Not one peep out of them the entire time their Mama was gone.
I might have become just a little bit more disgruntled at that point.
But when Mama bird would appear suddenly, they’d start squawking and chirping…begging for food. She’d quickly place food into their tiny mouths and then fly off to go get more for them.
The kids and I were fascinated watching her fly back and forth, as she gathered food for them.
I added my own commentary, as the spawn attentively observed the sweet bird family.
“Wow, look at them eat…I don’t hear any of them complaining about not liking what she’s giving them. I don’t see them spitting the food back out or wasting one little morsel”.
Of course, one of the smart-ass spawn had to add, “Well, she’s probably feeding them something that they want, like hotdogs or macaroni and cheese".
I fantasized about how wonderful it would be if my kids were that appreciative of all the effort I put forth in the kitchen to make them delicious, nutritious meals…or when I left the room for just 10 measly seconds to go pee, they’d sit quietly and patiently wait for my return instead of following me into the bathroom, complaining about bored they are.
Just then, Mama Bird caught me staring at her…
I think she could see the resentment in my face, as I said out loud to her, “You sure have the life, don’t you?”
And you know what she did?
She lifted her tail and crapped all over my freshly cleaned front porch.
“Well, tough shit for you,” I imagined her saying.
Several days have passed and now the nest is empty. Each of the babies have learned to fly and they spend their days going on one adventurous journey after another.
I have to admit that part of me was a little sad to see the baby birds leaving the nest so soon.
Until I saw this….
Like typical kids, they’ve learned their lessons well and have moved on to experience life on their own….but they still come back to shit on my front porch.
Why do I get the odd feeling that this is a foreshadowing of things to come in my not-so-distant future?
So Yeah I’m Definitely Moving to Texas
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