Monday, July 18, 2011

10 Reasons Why I'll Never Be Mother of the Year....

1)  I lie to my kids.  All the time.  Not huge lies, though, which might result in me being shunned to an afterlife in hell where I have to personally fan Satan's face and feed him grapes.

Just harmless little white lies.

Like telling them I can't jump with them at the Jumper House place because I have shin splints, as they watch sadly while all the other awesome moms jump with their kids.

Or switching up the fortunes in their fortune cookies more to my liking.

"He who continuously asks 'why' all the time upsets the angels up in heaven and should not be surprised when his upcoming birthday party is ruined by a torrential downpour of rain"


"Children who bathe regularly attract more friends than those who don't"


"Never question what your mother has made for dinner or she may just send you to a third world country to experience hunger first hand"

2)  I encourage them to give one another wedgies.  In public.

3)  I curse like a sailor.  So much so that my kids hardly even notice anymore.

4)  I spend approximately 138 minutes of my day fantasizing that I'm on the beach in Hawaii all by my lonesome....no screaming, whining kids, no critical, demanding husband....just me and some wine.  Lots and lots of chilled wine.

5)  The reason I carry a first aid kit with me at all times, honestly, is because I don't care to listen to my kids cry endlessly about needing a band-aid on a scrape the size of a period or that they can't swim in the pool because of a tiny sliver of nail that's come partially loose.

My friends think I just like to be prepared for any kind of traumatic child disaster.   No, it's actually because I don't want to be continuously interrupted by my kids over silly little things as I'm reading my Parents Magazine.  And if a puny little band-aid is going to shut them up then so be it.

What?!  Horrible mothers read Parents Magazine too.  We just have that "in one ear, out the other" type of mentality...as opposed to wonderful mothers who actually follow the advice given with, more than likely, amazing results.

6)  I'm not exactly a model of class or grace and I'm not above yelling, "What are YOU staring at?" to complete strangers who rudely ogle me while my kids have a tantrum in a store.

7)  If I need a moment of peace and quiet, I'll let them watch something completely age-inappropriate on the television.  Or play the Wii for hours on end.

8)   I yell.  A lot.  In fact, I yell so much that if I ever went a total of more than 2 hours without yelling, I could totally see one of my neighbors calling 911 to report me as a missing person.

Here's how it would go down on Dateline with Keith Morrison:

KM:  So...your neighbor, Helene, yelled at her kids so often that you became worried when it had been more than 2 hours of nothing but peace and quiet coming from her home?

Neighbor:  Yes, that's right.  I mean, it was oddly quiet.  Very unusual, especially in the middle of the day when she normally hits her peak.  We're talking people in Florida can hear this woman yelling at her poor kids.

KM:  Hmmm, very odd indeed.  So then you felt prompted to call the police because you felt as if something sinister had occurred? 

Neighbor:  Absolutely.  She seems nice enough but, still, everyone has enemies.

KM:  So what did happen to Helene, a once happy SAHM turned raving lunatic, on that hot summer day in July in the middle of the valley?  


Did her neighbors get together and discuss how to take this insane woman down and finally end her children's misery?  Or did she simply just lose her voice that day...and would her husband and children ever be so lucky as to have that happen?   


And in that case, why would her neighbors be concerned enough to call 911 only after a couple hours of silence?  What's so wrong about an exhausted mother allowing her kids to play mindless Wii games so she can hear her own thoughts?

9)  I scare my kids shitless to get them to follow simple directions.

Like, pointing out the creepy old lady at Target who's obviously bothered by little children.

"You see that little old lady over there watching you guys?  If you wander away from me, she's gonna find you and take you home with her.  She's gonna make you rub her nasty crooked toes with stinky lotion while watching scary Animal Planet shows about Bigfoot.  She'll probably make you cook and clean for her, too.  And I wouldn't be shocked if her favorite bedtime story is Hansel and Gretel."

10)   I have no problem with my kids eating food off the floor.  Lord knows I don't want to have to fix them a whole new plate of food.  And, last time I checked, a little dirt never hurt anyone.


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54 comments:

Shell said...

And all of this is why we are friends!!!

Equigeek said...

Sounds just like our house!

Holly said...

I am so guilty of #1 and #4, and I wish I could do #6! Maybe someday I'll have the courage.

Erin said...

This is why I love you. And I am so glad you post stuff like this---so that I know I'm not alone and that other moms yell, too!

xoxoxox

Merri Ann said...

This post is exactly why I have been reading your blog for the last 3-1/2 years.

It must be that your awesome parenting is so like mine.

At least our kids will grow up with a sense of humor !! :))

Great post ....

Jennifer said...

Are we the same person?! Especially the age-inappropriate TV viewing. I let my son watch Avatar the movie when I can't deal and it has CURSING in it.

Is someone going to arrest me now?

Evonne said...

If we go by this list, than I have no hope of being mother of the year.

We're going on vacation in a few weeks. It wouldn't surprise me if my neighbors called the cops because it will be so quiet here.

the ruckels said...

awesome! if you don't admit to doing at least one of the things on this list than you're straight up lying to yourself...and the world! i'm not a smoker, but i'm convinced i may have a raspy voice when i'm an old lady because of yelling.

blueviolet said...

This makes you so real! I love your honesty!

Singedwingangel said...

HAHAHA the last one cracked me up.. I had a friend once whose little girl was half white, half mexican. While in
Walmart one day her daughter told my son run run it's a Mexican and he is looking at us, he might steal us..
My friend was HORRIFIED. In her defense the childs father had attempted to kidnap her one time, lil girl knew he was mexican, put 2 and 2 together. Anyway my gf grabbed her daughter, ulled her to the dressing room mirrors and said HELLOOOO YOU ARE MEXICAN TOO

Sarah said...

Fantastic, just fantastic!

Cheryl Lage said...

From one yeller to another, much <3 !!!!

Lulu Lane Designs said...

No Mother of the Year award over this way either!!

Jenny said...

LOL!

My sister once told her son that McDonald's was closed because they were mopping the floors and I believed her! She did it so well, that I really thought it was true.

Eva Gallant said...

I loved this! it was so familiar. If I could remember more of when my kids were little, I'm sure I was guilty of many of the above...and they turned out to be wonderful young men! So keep it up girl, your making great adults!

Carol said...

We should write a book for real parents, because those are golden rules at our house. I can't tell you how many times I had to tell Hailey when she was little not to tell the neighbors that I let her watch Liar Liar and most JIm Carrey movies.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Man, I love you long time.
I have a horrific potty mouth. So few parents admit to that. But I do. And my kids sometimes watch Family Guy. Most of the humor goes right over their heads anyway.

WhisperingWriter said...

You and I would get along fine. Love this list.

Charlene said...

LOL...I yell at my kids all the time too and I swear - ALOT. And then I act all innocent when my kids say a bad word, like "where on earth did you learn that word from." LMAO!

Barbara said...

what? You sound like the BEST mother ever!!

Marcia (123 blog) said...

I totally use other people to "help" with parenting

"See that lady? She's going to be very cross if you keep doing ____"

:)

Natalie said...

I love the one about the old lady...heck that would scare me, and I'm an adult! And yes a little dirt never hurt anyone!

Jen said...

You and I both, my friend.

No mom of the year here either.

Colleen said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only non-contender for Mother of the Year! This was friggin' hilarious! And so very much me! LOL
Thanks for the laugh, and the confidence boost! :)

Brooke said...

Food off my floor..I don't mind. Food off of other floors...it depends.

And I will not even confess to how much TV my kids watch at our house. It's sad.

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

I am also a liar, a curser and a yeller.
And . . . I secretly think that all moms are.
We are just better at admitting it. :)

Loved this post!

Laura @ My Thoughts-Uninterrupted said...

A little dirt don't hurt is definately my motto! Love your dateline bit.

Tamika said...

Is it plagiarism if I copy and paste this to my blog?? Even tho its all true for me too???? LOL LOL

Deb said...

Number 10 is a rule in my life. Who cares if it fell on the floor. Eat it anyway. It's still good. Now, that being said, the kids didn't quite get it at first when I told them NOT to eat the food they dropped on the ground while we were camping!

Sarah said...

This is hillarious!

As a nanny, I had the little girl McDonald's wasn't open at dinner time. "Then why are the lights on?" "They're cleaning. Kids are very messy!"

Emmy said...

Um my kids are watching their second.. or is it third show already today. The baby is napping, they wanted to watch one more show-heck ya!

I yelled so loud yesterday I scared my baby :( That is one I am actually trying to stop

Just Jennifer said...

Lovin' the honesty! I tell little white lies too. I don't think it's a bad mom thing, I think it's a necessary mom thing. They're kids, they don't get stuff yet. We have to simplify, make it make sense to their little brains.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

MommaKiss said...

You totally have my vote. I'll vote with both hands!

Missy said...

I truly believe cursing allows you to communicate more effectively. The people who say you only curse when you don't have a good enough lexicon don't know what the EFF they're talking about. My lexicon is huge and benefits considerably by some appropriately placed swear words. In each sentence.

Karen Peterson said...

These are 10 reasons why you're one of MY favorite moms!

KSK said...

LOL!!!! To everything! :)
*My mom used to tell us that this, I'm sure very nice, but weird guy that used to bag groceries would take us home if we didn't behave.. and he always played into it... terrifying! (I think they must've gone to school together?)
*I can't wait to do that to my little one! :)

Amanda said...

OMG I love this! And the part about yelling.all.the.time.....um yup me too!

Amber said...

Mother of the Year is over rated. Imagine all the annoying publicity gigs you'd have to do? Psh.

There are certain parts of the world where people only eat on the floor! Think of it as exposing your kids to different cultures!

Rhiannon said...

if you ACTUALLY do #4 call me up I'll bring the MaiTais!

The Mother said...

1,3,7,8,9, and 10. I'm not organized enough to carry a first aid kit. But I do know how to tie surgical knots, and that usually scares them enough to stop whining.

Gwen said...

Thank you. You make me feel normal!

Lisa said...

I love this. I totally lie, I also curse like a sailor, and I definitely feed food off the floor. I'm with you darlin!

Jennifer said...

Love it!!!
Love it so much I "borrowed" your post.

Tina... said...

Omg, I screamed out 'ten second rule!' to chandler who dropped his gum ball at kroger and this dude looked at me like i'd grown a new head....

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Uh, these are bad things? Crap. I do them a lot...espceially the beach one!

Tiffany said...

#4 rings a bell... only with margaritas.

$6? Totally me.

And #10 - well our motto around here is, "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt!"

:) You're a fantastic Mama!

Twins Squared said...

Ha ha ha! I love your blog because you are real, instead of presenting the facade that so many moms do. In spite of all those things, you are a great mom! I know you know that so I don't need to say it but you are. I am the same way about bandaids, too! I carry them with me because I can instantly rectify a crying child. And who knows, once in a while they might actually need a bandaid!

Nobodys Nothings said...

sometimes when i see my kids drop food on the floor, especially something like a cookie or cracker because i know they'll get really upset if i throw it away, i walk away and pretend i didn't see them drop it.

the only things in my neighborhood that yell more than i do, are my neighbors kids. thank goodness, or i might feel about about creating so much noise coming from my own home!

little white lies are what childhood is built on. i still don't know how to tell my son about Santa Clause...

love your blog. :)

Di said...

I once told my sister's kids and their friends that I don't need to beat them because its enough to threaten them with a drowning in a pool. They agreed that I would be mean and crazy enough to do it. We can't hear you in Florida over my sister who has to yell at her 4 kids! :)

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one...I lie like a rug!

Lauren said...

Just what I needed to read...I have been feeling guilty about my little lies to Brody lately. Ha ha. Thanks for this!

Dave4259 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tiffany said...

You are so hilarious. I would never ever ever win mother of the year, glad to know I am not alone.

Niamh said...

I just found your blog and love it. Thanks for the laughs! I am pregnant with twins, scared, and need some good humor. :)

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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