1) I lie to my kids. All the time. Not huge lies, though, which might result in me being shunned to an afterlife in hell where I have to personally fan Satan's face and feed him grapes.
Just harmless little white lies.
Like telling them I can't jump with them at the Jumper House place because I have shin splints, as they watch sadly while all the other awesome moms jump with their kids.
Or switching up the fortunes in their fortune cookies more to my liking.
"He who continuously asks 'why' all the time upsets the angels up in heaven and should not be surprised when his upcoming birthday party is ruined by a torrential downpour of rain"
"Children who bathe regularly attract more friends than those who don't"
"Never question what your mother has made for dinner or she may just send you to a third world country to experience hunger first hand"
2) I encourage them to give one another wedgies. In public.
3) I curse like a sailor. So much so that my kids hardly even notice anymore.
4) I spend approximately 138 minutes of my day fantasizing that I'm on the beach in Hawaii all by my lonesome....no screaming, whining kids, no critical, demanding husband....just me and some wine. Lots and lots of chilled wine.
5) The reason I carry a first aid kit with me at all times, honestly, is because I don't care to listen to my kids cry endlessly about needing a band-aid on a scrape the size of a period or that they can't swim in the pool because of a tiny sliver of nail that's come partially loose.
My friends think I just like to be prepared for any kind of traumatic child disaster. No, it's actually because I don't want to be continuously interrupted by my kids over silly little things as I'm reading my Parents Magazine. And if a puny little band-aid is going to shut them up then so be it.
What?! Horrible mothers read Parents Magazine too. We just have that "in one ear, out the other" type of mentality...as opposed to wonderful mothers who actually follow the advice given with, more than likely, amazing results.
6) I'm not exactly a model of class or grace and I'm not above yelling, "What are YOU staring at?" to complete strangers who rudely ogle me while my kids have a tantrum in a store.
7) If I need a moment of peace and quiet, I'll let them watch something completely age-inappropriate on the television. Or play the Wii for hours on end.
8) I yell. A lot. In fact, I yell so much that if I ever went a total of more than 2 hours without yelling, I could totally see one of my neighbors calling 911 to report me as a missing person.
Here's how it would go down on Dateline with Keith Morrison:
KM: So...your neighbor, Helene, yelled at her kids so often that you became worried when it had been more than 2 hours of nothing but peace and quiet coming from her home?
Neighbor: Yes, that's right. I mean, it was oddly quiet. Very unusual, especially in the middle of the day when she normally hits her peak. We're talking people in Florida can hear this woman yelling at her poor kids.
KM: Hmmm, very odd indeed. So then you felt prompted to call the police because you felt as if something sinister had occurred?
Neighbor: Absolutely. She seems nice enough but, still, everyone has enemies.
KM: So what did happen to Helene, a once happy SAHM turned raving lunatic, on that hot summer day in July in the middle of the valley?
Did her neighbors get together and discuss how to take this insane woman down and finally end her children's misery? Or did she simply just lose her voice that day...and would her husband and children ever be so lucky as to have that happen?
And in that case, why would her neighbors be concerned enough to call 911 only after a couple hours of silence? What's so wrong about an exhausted mother allowing her kids to play mindless Wii games so she can hear her own thoughts?
9) I scare my kids shitless to get them to follow simple directions.
Like, pointing out the creepy old lady at Target who's obviously bothered by little children.
"You see that little old lady over there watching you guys? If you wander away from me, she's gonna find you and take you home with her. She's gonna make you rub her nasty crooked toes with stinky lotion while watching scary Animal Planet shows about Bigfoot. She'll probably make you cook and clean for her, too. And I wouldn't be shocked if her favorite bedtime story is Hansel and Gretel."
10) I have no problem with my kids eating food off the floor. Lord knows I don't want to have to fix them a whole new plate of food. And, last time I checked, a little dirt never hurt anyone.