Wednesday, August 10, 2011

What I wish someone had told me about marriage....

Tim and I are celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary today.  



Well, "celebrating" may be too strong of a word.  It's not like we'll be enjoying a quiet, romantic dinner while reminiscing about the days where we used to sleep until 12:00 noon and had nothing but time on our hands.

You know, before kids.  

As I've written before, marriage is hard work.  Just like parenting, really.  But, of course, no one tells you that as you're about to head down the aisle.  

Just like no one says, as your first born is crowning, "Uh, by the way, parenting is the hardest, most challenging thing you'll ever do.  You're never gonna sleep a solid 38 minutes ever again as long as you live!  Oh, and you might as well kiss your perky boobs and your flat tummy goodbye."

Here are some things I wished I would have known ahead of time....

1)  You should understand that when the television is on, he will not hear you nor pay one ounce of attention to you.  And don't even think stripping down to your birthday suit and screaming, "The house is on fire" will work.  Because I've tried it...and it's a no-go.

Go ahead and make your peace with it.  Take up blogging and bitch about him on the internet, instead.

2)  Referring to his job as a "vacation" will, more than likely, not go over well.  Even if you think he just sits around the office all day, updating his Facebook status with lame quotes and taking advantage of every single second of his lunch break, never EVER voice your thoughts out loud to him.

3)  Men cannot read your thoughts.  And, trust me, he doesn't want to.  If you want the latest Kindle for your birthday, you better come right out and tell him.  Better yet, write it down and tape it to his forehead the day before your birthday.

 Best to go for the direct approach instead of spending your special day all angry and hurt.

4)  By the same token, don’t expect a huge surprise party when you turn the Big 4-0.  Unless someone has threatened his life, he’ll never go all out because he knows that this only raises the bar.  You see, he’ll believe that if he does this, you’ll expect bigger and better the following year…and so on and so forth.

And let’s face it…he’s right.  There’s no shame in admitting that.

4)  Men love to play helpless.  Don't let them fool you.  They'll sit there and look as if they're struggling in the kitchen, when in fact, they really want you to rush in there and say, "Look, you get out of here...let me take care of this".

I  know it's in your nature to want to rescue him but don't.  I mean, really....is he that unskilled to where he can't operate a damn microwave to make himself a couple chicken nuggets and a cup of soup?

5)  If you think he’s going to romance you every night of the week, you’re mistaken.  There are some men, like…say Tim for example…who believe that once they’re married, they don’t need to pour on the romance any longer.  See, he thinks you’re a “sure thing” so he doesn’t feel like he has to step it up to make you give it up.  Make sense?

But that’s where he’s wrong.  Just because you have that big rock on your finger doesn’t mean you’ve lost the ability to say “Sorry, honey.  Not tonight”. 

It’s important for him to make you feel special.  As if there’s no other woman on the planet who can rock his world…or launder his dirty underwear, for that matter.

6)  In-laws.  Should we even go there?  Well, too late. 

He wants you and his mother to be BFF's.  But not because he thinks she's the most fabulous person in the world to get along with but more because he wants HER out of his hair and he wants YOU out of his hair.

Therefore, if you and his mom are besties, he doesn't have to listen to either of you complain about the other.

Don't feel guilty if you don't want to hang out with your MIL for hours on end.  He doesn't want to hang out with her either.  Believe that.

7)  Unless you announce it loudly in his face 23 times within a 12-hour period, he probably won’t remember the important dates and milestones you wish he could easily recall.  Like, the day you met, what you wore on your first date with him, the first song you danced to at your wedding…maybe (dare I say it)  the day of your anniversary.

Don’t be too surprised, though, if he remembers (in vivid detail) the first time you had sex with one another, what position you did it in and what his thoughts were right at that exact moment.

Don’t believe me?  Go ahead….ask your man if he remembers the details from your first date.  Then ask him what he remembers from the first time you two had sex.  

Shocking, isn’t it?  

8)  All the things that you found so sweet and endearing about your man BEFORE you were married?  Well, those are the same things you will come to despise over the years.

Yeah, like his unique laugh which was once music to your ears....will now annoy the hell out of you.  The way he nervously chewed on his nails every time you came around....will now drive you to the brink of insanity.

And, perhaps, most importantly....

9)  Even though you'll go through peaks and valleys throughout your marriage, he will be that one constant companion who you can count on through thick and thin.   

Yes, even when he irritates you so madly that you literally want to claw his eyeballs out, he will be your biggest supporter...your most loyal fan.

He's the one person who will have your back no matter what.  Don't ever forget that.

Because once kids enter the mix and you're in the thick of it, you'll be sitting right next to him on the sofa but you might as well be a million miles away from one another.

He'll feel like a stranger on most days and you'll have to force yourself to re-connect with him, at times.  

But it's so worth it.  

Marriage is definitely so worth it.

What do you wish someone had told you about marriage ahead of time?


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50 comments:

Kathryn said...

Happy 9th Anniversary! It was our 9th yesterday!!
I just wish someone had told me it was work. I wish someone had told me about the struggles in a marriage. But I wouldn't change this, what we have :) I just wish I had known!

http://babypredojevic3.blogspot.com/2011/08/9-years.html

Kmama said...

Happy anniversary! I had a very similar bridal bouquet (the red roses and white stephanotis. So pretty!! And our 9th anniversary is this November. ;-)

I wish someone had told me without fail, if you are planning to have a bunch of people over and are scrambling to get your house in order, your husband will start a construction project and will not help you one tiny little bit. In fact, they will most likely make MORE work for you with their construction mess.

Evonne said...

Happy anniversary!!

I wish someone would have told me that, along with the tv, when he's at the computer, he is oblivious to anything and everything around him.

Samantha said...

Happy Anniversary to you guys :)

& I wish someone had told me that I was marrying my In-Laws...I may have had second thoughts.

& the t.v...oh the t.v...sometimes I feel like throwing a knife through the flat screen...maybe then I could get his attention.

Mrs. Lofgren said...

Happy Anniversary!!! Today is also my 9th anniversary! :) I hope you have a wonderful day!

Some things I wish someone had told me before I was married:

*Soak up every minute of "free time" before you have children...travel, go on dates, sleep in, etc. "Free time" won't exist after you have children.

*Make sure you have full frontal eye contact and do a check for understanding if you are saying something important that you want your husband to remember. Otherwise, when you need him to remember this important information you'll hear the infamous words "You didn't tell me that."

SherilinR said...

i just asked my husband & you're right. he knew about the sex, but not about the first date or what we were wearing. sigh.
i wish someone had told me that even when the romance has taken a backseat, the partnership/team atmosphere of being married is even more valuable than being horny.

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

I personally like the meatphor in the Parenthood movie from years ago. They compared marriage (and parenthood) to a roller coaster. Sometimes it is exhilarating, sometimes terrifying, and sometimes it makes you want to throw up... but it is so worth the ride.
Exactly right I think.
:)
Congrats on 9 years.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Well, now that I'm a newlywed again, I'm starting to realize just what is in store for me once the honeymoon is over! :) One thing I have learned is if you don't have a great bond when the kids are still around, then once the kids leave, you'll be staring at one another and wondering what next???

Happy anniversary to the both of you! Lock the bedroom door with a sign on the outside that says, "Do not disturb". Unplug all appliances, including the tv and enjoy that time together.

Cucipata said...

Just in general, I think society does a disservice to women in regards to the expectations that are set on them, particularly in marriage. Marriage can be a very oppressive and lonely institution for women, and there is not question that few women know what they are getting into before hand. Nevertheless, I think women can do their part in raising sons that understand true equality and responsibility, and that will go a long way into assuring a higher number of successful marriages in the future. This is just a guy's opinion who understands how good we have it... Congratulations on your anniversary and good luck in the future.

Lisa said...

I love, love, love this post. It is so true. We're having a bit of a rough patch right now, but the last one is so important to remember.

nantuckettiechic said...

My MIL, whom I loved, told me in the first year:
When he leaves his socks on the floor it's not because he doesn't love you or appreciate you or see you as a valuable person. He's just taking off his socks. So, when that happens, go ahead and Pick Up the Socks. Happily, and sometimes grumpily, married now 26 years.

Jenny said...

Happy Anniversary!

Eva Gallant said...

Wish someone had told me there was a difference between love and lust; I wouldn't have had to get married twice!

Happy anniversary! We're celebrating our 27th next month!

Shell said...

Happy anniversary!

My husband is traveling this week for work. I did in fact call it a vacation. Which he did not appreciate.

I wonder what he would remember about our first time. hmmm, I'll have to ask him.

Erin said...

Helene,

Happy Anniversary and kick-ass post!

We are coming up on our 10th in December and I can't believe it. I suppose I'll have to post about it. LOL!

miss you! hope all is well! sorry I have been such a bad bloggy friend.
;-(

Jessica said...

Happy anniversary! I love, love, love all of your "what someone should have told me" lines. They're all so true! I've been married for five years, and it's amazing how much you learn over time about yourself, your spouse, and marriage.

Kim said...

Well, a lot of us got married in August, didn't we?!

About the romance, I once heard a joke from a comedian who said he already told his wife he loved her on their wedding day . . . he'll let her know if he changes his mind. So, yeah, don't expect to hear a lot of voluntary "I love you"s from your guy.

Kim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeena said...

I love this post. I've been married for a bit over a year and I wonder what it will be like 10 years from now. I think your #8 is hysterically funny. My mom used to say the same thing.

Rhiannon said...

PREACH IT! Totally true to the damn T!! We will celebrate 11 yrs this year and I can honestly say you are 100% correct!!!
I swear atlest 7 of those items are current arguements going on as I type this!! LMAO!
But yes Marriaage is bliss!

Jennifer said...

HOLLLLAAAAAAA! I agree wholeheartedly. Love this post - I feel validated! :-)

Happy Anniversary to you both! Nine years strong is an accomplishment! I hope he at least feeds you something good that you don't have to make yourself to celebrate! LOL!

Natalie said...

Happy 9th Anniversary! All of this is so true...marriage is a lot of work. If you don't put forth the effort then it will not work. This is a great post about marriage!

Tamika said...

Happy Anniversary! :) :) :) I agree - its hard work - but when the kids are gone and its just the two of you again...it will be worth every moment.

Sarah said...

you hit the nail on the HEAD!

Heather H said...

Happy anniversary! Our 15th is today! Great minds...pick August 10? Or something like that. ;)

Hope y'all have a great night together!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Oh, truer words were NEVER spoken, and #8 is the BIGGEST of all!
Oh, and Happy Anniversary & all that crap. =D

adrienzgirl said...

Yeah...uh #6? That's never gonna happen. Ever. Did I say ever?

Happy Anniversary!

KSK said...

I do believe that you hit the nail right on the head! :)
*My husband (then fiance), ARGUED with me about what day my birthday was.. he thought it was the day after, and did not believe me that it was the very next day .. it was my 21st, by the way! ..I did not get a 'happy birthday' call (He was a MArine and stationed out of state).. and I did not talk to him for 3 days... Ask him when my birthday is now... He gets scared to answer, but he's always right! :)

*Happy Anniversary!!!

Tiffany said...

My big piece of advice is to always always always agree on which side of the sink holds dirty dishes and which side holds clean dishes. I can't tell you how many times that is just the end all be all of the night - after you spend time washing some dishes and he goes and puts dirty dishes in there. Wow. Many a fight over that one small thing.

You are right though - the day I sat up and consciously realized, "Wow. Marriage takes WORK." was a good day. A big day. A day we changed.

Mighty M said...

You NAILED it - you are almost an expert!! Happy Anniversary!!!

Twinpossible said...

Helene,

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! Bring the kids on over. What's 4 more, lol. You NEED to go out and get some time with hubby for your anniversary. I can handle them for a few hours for ya:)

Again you nailed it. I hate date nights at home because if the TV is on, I feel like I'm talking to the wall, and basically I am. When the boob tube is on, us wives go unheard! You might as well save your voice.

Also if you try and talk at the dinner table, it's a freakin' joke. You can't say anything with all of that screaming and chaos. You need to repeat yourself, and a large chunk of the time you will need to say something non-kid friendly, or about the child him or herself, and can't even do it. My hub will say, not in front of the kids and then I'm like , 'SO WHEN THEN?'

Men can't read anything but their paychecks, which we should get a nice chunk of in my opinion. They ARE on vacation at work in my mind. We work harder, hence give me some shopping money:)

We listen all year long, buy them the gifts they want, and honestly...THEY were only attentive back in the early days of dating. They bought you gifts you mentioned only one time, paid so much attention to you, both speaking wise and sexually. Now??? KAPUT!


I am NOT looking forward to turning 40, unless I can look 30 which means lots of botox in my future, lol, but idk if I'd want a party, but he should at least throw me one against my will. It'd be a nice surprise I am NOT expecting. He's turning 50 and I want to do something for him, but he doesn't stay in touch with any of his old pals anymore, so who'll be coming? Us and the dogs LMAO.


His mom is 87 and can't hear well. Gone are the days we can be BFFS because she's a screaming, cursing, ornery MESS at her age now. 5 years ago she was wonderful...now I'm like 'Put her in a home' lol.


You are right, he's with you through thick and thin. I have been thick and I have been thin while married to him, LOL. So has he by the way:) No seriously, it's true, though I wish he had more drive and energy. Sometimes I feel like a single parent. He used to wanna go out and do things with us all of the time. He's acting old and more lazy, but his job is harder now and his age creeping up though I don't consider the latter a good excuse. I plan on acting like a child and having fun when I'm 50 myself. You are as old or young as you feel.

God bless honey...and remember my offer still stands. My older daughter would have a blast with your kiddos. Bring 'em on by!

Hugs,
Shelly

http://www.twinpossible.com/blog

Missy said...

#3 and #4 - so true. I actually planned an executed my own 40th party this year and then pretended my husband did it. Think I jest? Shhhhh just don't tell any of the people who came - I'd hate to burst their bubble. But seriously, I knew what I wanted and that disappointment would abound if I didn't just handle it myself. And he was happier with the pressure being off too. Which should come as no shock. ;)

Tracy said...

Loved this post...makes me feel less alone in this crazy life to know I'm not the only wife out there thinking these things.

Happy 9th!

I wish I had really known how much work it would be. How differently we would communicate, but still need to figure it out. How extremely frustrating it would be to live with a different human being, raised in a different environment, with different expectations. With all that, I could never have expected how bonded we would be after fighting our way through all this...side by side.

Shell said...

I'm back... love the new look! :)

The Blue Zoo said...

Love #8 and #9!!

We just celebrated our 9th anniversary too. Sometimes Im surprised we havent killed each other yet!

Amber said...

Happy anniversary!

I don't know anything about marriage, but it's safe to say a lot of these points are good to keep in mind when it comes to men in general, haha

Tarah said...

What a great story! Happy Anniversary too! :)

I have learned that if your feelings are hurt - speak up. He will tend to think things are fine otherwise and then out of nowhere you blow up over something that happened last month. If you had said something then you could have spent that last month enjoy the time with him instead of glowering at him, waiting for him to get the hint.

MommaKiss said...

aw, happy anniversary. our 9th is this year, too. i still like him, we'll just go with that.

Brooke said...

happy anniversary!!

3) Men cannot read your thoughts.

Thankfully I learned this one early. I tend to tweet things and tag him, or else blog about stuff. that usually gets the job done. especially when i say "did you read my blog today" its him doing what i want without me having to tell him directly :)

Cindy said...

Happy Anniversary!! But it's so worth it. "Marriage is definitely so worth it": Absolutely True. The rough times, when they finally pass, make the good times so much sweeter.

Love the new look of the blog.

Mercy D'souza said...

Love the new look. It's perfect. And congrats on 9 years together. We just celebrated our 4th. Time sure does fly.
Yes, I think all these things are so true. My husband can never remember special dates, nor does he want to. I have to ask him to get me a gift for Christmas. Romance is long gone. But he is still the best.

Twins Squared said...

This was awesome! So true! I have already started dropping hints, ok I just came outright and told him, to be thinking now about my 40th bday (3 yrs away still!). I know darn well that if I really want something why take the chance that he will read my mind? He's actually abnormally good at it when it comes to gifts that I want/like and remembering things. But still. Just can't take that chance. This was spot on.

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

Happy Anniversary! Oh, and your new blog look is fantastic. So clean and organized. You hit the nail on the head about marriage but of course there are all the good times in between. One thing you can definitely look at before hand is your father in law. This will predict exactly what your husband will look like, act like and have all the mannerisms of when he gets older. Down to the clearing his throat every 3 minutes. Grace my dear, we get through marriage by the skin of our teeth and the grace of God. And hopefully, a lot of it is a fun ride. Not what you dream of when you're a teenager, but with enough tenacity and wisdom you do figure out it's not greener on the other side of the fence. That's called, serial dating. You can see by the overwhelming response above that we are all in this love boat together.

The Frazzled Mom said...

Amen sister! Your honesty is SO funny! You hit the nail on the head. I've been married 25 years and things never change! Thanks for commenting on my blog! I think I follow yours. If I don't, I'm going to start. Happy Anniversary!

Janet said...

Stopping by from Karen's blog. Great post, and I wish I'd learned the thing about them not reading minds (oh, and the thing about helplessness) years ago!

January Dawn said...

Giggling over here! So funny and I love everyone's comments too. Hope you don't mind but I'm SHARING! It's too funny and too true not to.

ashley @ ashley's adventures in alaska said...

I love the new look! Things I wish someone had told me about marriage: that even though your parents know that you hope your marriage is forever and so is your move across the country for said marriage doesn't mean that they won't pitch a fit when you buy a house there. That your husband just might NOT want to have sex with you daily. That because you're the wife, you WILL be the dishwasher. Forever and ever.

Working Mommy said...

Happy Anniversary! I completely agree with #9...no matter how crummy things get, at least you'll be going through them together!

WM

kate said...

@Cucipata --right on! i think these kind of experiences suck, and marriage doesn't have to be that way. mine isn't. we are lucky enough to have romance, a division of labor that feels fair to both of us, and we succeed in our efforts to be good communicators. which includes communicating how much we appreciate each other! we are raising our son (AND daughter) to see relationships based on respect and compassion as desirable, and i hope that if we all commit to passing these lessons on to our sons (and daughters!), perhaps we can look forward to a future of happier marriages across the board.

it sounds like you really love your husband, i'm certainly not insinuating that you don't. however, it sounds like you don't feel listened to a lot of the time, and i think that is something he should step up and work on! he's not a child and you're not his mom!

also certainly not saying my relationship is perfect--everyone has those ups and downs. but the "most days you'll be strangers" line sounded so sad...i never feel that way. my spouse is my best friend, my teammate and my biggest turn-on.

Blogger said...

I have just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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