Thursday, October 13, 2011

10 things you should never say to your spouse....

1)  Honey, guess what?  We're pregnant...with TWINS!

He may be excited at first but after awhile, fear and anxiety will set in.

You'll probably find him curled up in the fetal position, hiding in a dark corner of the bedroom, muttering to himself, "My life as I know it is over...I'm never gonna sleep again, never gonna watch tv again..."

2)  Honey, guess what?  We're pregnant...with ANOTHER set of TWINS!!

He won't even be able to hide his feelings this time around.  It'll be obvious the moment you share the news with him.

He'll laugh hysterically in your face for the first few minutes.  And then he'll begin to sob like a baby, to the point where an unbelievable amount of snot will flow freely from his nostrils.

Then he'll spend the remainder of the day sitting on the floor of the shower, in a catatonic state of utter confusion, bewilderment and distress.

3)  Do these pants make my butt look big?

If he's smart, he'll pull the old "answer the question with another question" crap.  He might say, "Uh, what do you think?  Do you think it makes your butt look big?"

And if he's a real freakin' genius, after he asks you that, he'll go straight to the garage, grab a shovel, hand it to you and say, "Where do you want me to start digging the hole for my grave?"

4)  (When your MIL calls to speak with you) Can you please tell her I'm not home?

You know your man can't lie to his mama.  This is his MAMA we're talking about.

My advice....just run out the door real quick so technically he's not lying.

5)  Didn't you think Ryan Reynolds was super hot in Green Lantern?

You see, normally a question like this would just make a guy shrug his shoulders and say, "Whatever".

But if you've asked him this while laying in bed together immediately after a particularly hot lovemaking session, it probably won't go over well.

6)  Are you EVER going to get around to fixing the handles on those cabinets or have you already reached your quota of "things to fix around the house in 2011"?

Let me just say this once...sarcasm won't work this time around.  Chances are,  he'll throw it right back in your face with, "Uh, no...I'm saving that job for 2000-Never".

If you ask politely, he may just surprise you and fix those handles.  Of course, he'll expect you to have sex with him that night in return (and every night for the rest of your damn life).

So, long story short, just fix the handles yourself and save everyone some grief.

7)  So, honey, did you have a good day at work today?  Did you have a nice lunch?  Because I sure as hell didn't.  No, I spent the entire day chasing after your kids, making them meals they refused to eat, wiping their poopy asses and snotty noses and breaking up fights left and right.

News very rarely feel guilty.  Wait, let me change that.  Only their mamas can make them feel guilty, not their wives.

Plus, he'll probably end up making YOU feel guilty by saying, "Let me remind you that it was YOU who wanted to give up your career and stay home with the kids.  It's not my fault you had a bad day."

Feel free to remind him that it his partially his fault in the first place that you even have the kids who caused you to have a bad day.  Again, don't expect him to feel guilty.

It's a vicious cycle that rarely ends well.  Call a good friend and vent to her instead.

8)  The kids ate the last of your hidden stash of cookies.

He'll go ape shit on you.  You ever seen a grown man cry over cookies?  It's not pretty.

And, trust me, it's really hard to stifle your laughter as he accuses you, "Well, who showed them where I hide my cookies?!"

9)  Just get out of the kitchen and let me make the kids their lunch. 

Ladies, ladies, ladies....never (and I mean NEVER) rescue your man when he's attempting to make a meal for the kids.  No matter how much of a mess he's made, no matter how badly he's burned their toast, no matter how putrid the kitchen rescue him once, he's gonna expect it for life.

Besides, imagine the pure satisfaction you'll feel when you hear the kids whine to him, "You expect us to eat THAT?  It looks like dog puke and smells like diarrhea!"

10)  Would you mind taking a look at my computer because something's wrong with it?

This question actually doesn't apply specifically to computers but more to what your man does for a living.

See, Tim is a computer geek...HTML is his language of love.  He'll help everyone in the free world with their computer problems....he'll spend hours at friends' homes freeing their computers of nasty viruses and such.

But I ask him to take a minute to look at my computer and you'd think I asked him to impregnate me with a third set of twins.

If you man is an auto mechanic, don't even bother asking him to figure out what that wierd noise is in your car.   If your man is a doctor, don't ask him to look at the odd rash you have on your back.

Your best bet?  Just get a little creative.

Rant and rave about the hot guy at Best Buy who would be more than happy to get his hands on your keyboard.  Go on and on about the gorgeous dude at the car shop who'd love to look under your hood.  Gush about the hunky doctor who'd be thrilled to take your temperature.

He'll have the problem fixed faster than you can say, "2000-When?"

* This was one of the prompts given by Mama Kat for her Writer's Workshop. Registered & Protected


adventuresindinner said...

Wow! My 21 month old exhausts me. What is exhausted times four like?

JDaniel4's Mom said...

My husband has only made my son lunch a few times. If he starts to do it again, I promise I will stand out of his way.

Lisa said...

I love this entire list. :)

Eva Gallant said...

I love the never rescue him one---it applies to almost everything!

Jen said...

I have never said, 'We are having twins' but saying 'We are having triplets' gets a similar response. :)

Teri said...

Teehee. :)

Mark Hurd said...

LOVE IT!! My daughter also has 2 sets of twins 3 and 3 months so we can relate.

Great blog. Hope you manage to stay reasonably sane.

Nezzy said...

Heck, we've lived in this house almost 39 years and 'Farm Boy' still doesn't know where anything is! Go figure.

Loved your hysterical list girl!

Have a blessed day sweetie. I do truly take my hat off to ya!!!

kristi said...


Sela Toki said...

Bahahaha your list got me laughing like a hyena. So true. Creativity sure makes them move but what's worse is the expectancy of the reward after fixing the cabinet handles. I'd just tell him: "Can you use right hanna and left hanna, they're always available and willing." LMBO.

Jenners said...

Must never let my husband hear the phrase "2000-NEVER." That would not be good.

This was a fun prompt, wssn't it? I did it too!

Visiting from Mama Kats.

Cyn & Co. said...

Wow, two sets of twins. Holy moly, I'm exhausted for you.

Great job on this prompt. I especially loved the cookie stash one.

Ape shit? Really!?

DysFUNctional Mom said...

#9, OMG YES! And then they will purposely screw things up for the rest of their lives.

Karen Peterson said...

The funny thing about #10 is that it is SO TRUE!

Missy said...

I'm going to need to do one of her prompts. They look so fun!

KSK said...

Hahahahaha! This is truth and nothing but the truth! :)

Rhiannon said...

AMEN! LMFAO seriouslly exactly what i needed today!!
btw, my hubby is a mechanic... excuse me, he says Auto Technician because he has a degree and he's certified... anyway, i have actually made apts at his work place and when they ask him why his wife was making an apt for a repair he would loose his mind and cxl it... needless to say... my car was still not fixed right away.

Samantha said...

LOVED all of these, because they are SO true! This made me giggle...a lot. Oh husbands...bless 'em.

Tara said...

Hahahaha! Very funny! My husband does the same thing with chocolate bars - he hides them like an alcoholic with booze and gets mad if you find them.

Really funny! Thanks for the great laughs!

debi9kids said...

heehee LOVE this and totally can picture my husband with 99% of these (not the computer one. Can't really ask him to arrest me.... or can I ? :)

Connie said...

I should have added the lunch one!

My husband works in downtown Denver and he has great restaurants to choose from! I know he hates to tell me when he's had something great and I've had peanut butter and jelly....again!

Two sets of twins! Bless YOU!

Barbara said...

This post is awesome! I loved #1 and #2 the best. I'm sure my husband might have a heart attack if ever these words were uttered.

MommaKiss said...

I. Am. In stitches. Seriously. Twins. Again! HA! Poor thing.
You have it under control though - you know all the right moves ;)

MiMi said...

Okay, these are all hilarious, but for some reason number 8 really cracks me up!
I think because the kids ate my husband's Whatchamacallit bar and for some reason we hardly ever see those around here and he hoards em. It was AWESOME. EPIC. HAHAHAHAAA!!!!

Cindi said...

LoLoL! Very funny!

Shell said...

Mine may have wanted to spank some little tushies for eating his cookies. He settled from crying. said...

---Omg, you are absolutely hilareous. Xx Laughing my ass off in MN.

HoneyDame said...

LMAO..I will keep them on my left hand so I dont eat with it. Especially the one of not rescuing him....tres importante

Mama Kat said...

Pretty sure twins two times around would put ANY person over the edge!

Twinpossible said...

Well that would be like him bring up Angelina Jolie after a hot love making session which would lead me into the knuckle sandwhich to the family jewels, so I get that! BIG no, no.

Pregnant with twins? He wasn't curled up in a fetal position but he hardly spoke to me about it and continued to stay in denial the whole time. I felt insanely supported. (Yeah right.) We were both in such shock, a second set would have put me under..and I do mean 6 feet under. Mostly cause it's just stressful worrying about getting healthy babies. To keep repeating that and all that can happen, is freakin' scary. (Of course, then there is the aftermath.) I admire you girlie.

I don't ask him about ANYTHING related to appearence AT ALL anymore. No matter what he can't ever answer it right, in the way that I want it to be answered, and it will just lead to a problem, so he'll duck out once I start dissing myself looking for a compliment or fishing for an answer. He's not that bright anymore, lol. LIE..LIE, LIE, LIE. LOL. It's not that hard.

Great list as always Helene. I hope you and the family are well.


Shelly - Tropical Mum said...

I love that last one, but unfortunately for me, my husband works for a transport company and I don't have much use for his skills in that regard, unless of course I could ask him to transport me outta here.

Natalie said...

LOL this is hilarious! It's all about how you phrase it isn't it? You've got to outsmart them :)

blueviolet said...

I love the satisfaction you get from seeing he is sub-par in the kitchen. :)

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

#2 - that poor man (and you too, but snot is gross)
#7 - that one ALWAYS comes back to bite me on the ass...I ALWAYS get the "well, you could always go back to work if this is too much." WTF? I just wanted a little sympathy!

Gretta Hewson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gretta Hewson said...

We've all said something to our spouses that we regret. But toxic phrases can harm a relationship to the point of irreparable damage.

Gretta Hewson
Port Arthur Asbestos Lawyer

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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