1) Honey, guess what? We're pregnant...with TWINS!
He may be excited at first but after awhile, fear and anxiety will set in.
You'll probably find him curled up in the fetal position, hiding in a dark corner of the bedroom, muttering to himself, "My life as I know it is over...I'm never gonna sleep again, never gonna watch tv again..."
2) Honey, guess what? We're pregnant...with ANOTHER set of TWINS!!
He won't even be able to hide his feelings this time around. It'll be obvious the moment you share the news with him.
He'll laugh hysterically in your face for the first few minutes. And then he'll begin to sob like a baby, to the point where an unbelievable amount of snot will flow freely from his nostrils.
Then he'll spend the remainder of the day sitting on the floor of the shower, in a catatonic state of utter confusion, bewilderment and distress.
3) Do these pants make my butt look big?
If he's smart, he'll pull the old "answer the question with another question" crap. He might say, "Uh, what do you think? Do you think it makes your butt look big?"
And if he's a real freakin' genius, after he asks you that, he'll go straight to the garage, grab a shovel, hand it to you and say, "Where do you want me to start digging the hole for my grave?"
4) (When your MIL calls to speak with you) Can you please tell her I'm not home?
You know your man can't lie to his mama. This is his MAMA we're talking about.
My advice....just run out the door real quick so technically he's not lying.
5) Didn't you think Ryan Reynolds was super hot in Green Lantern?
You see, normally a question like this would just make a guy shrug his shoulders and say, "Whatever".
But if you've asked him this while laying in bed together immediately after a particularly hot lovemaking session, it probably won't go over well.
6) Are you EVER going to get around to fixing the handles on those cabinets or have you already reached your quota of "things to fix around the house in 2011"?
Let me just say this once...sarcasm won't work this time around. Chances are, he'll throw it right back in your face with, "Uh, no...I'm saving that job for 2000-Never".
If you ask politely, he may just surprise you and fix those handles. Of course, he'll expect you to have sex with him that night in return (and every night for the rest of your damn life).
So, long story short, just fix the handles yourself and save everyone some grief.
7) So, honey, did you have a good day at work today? Did you have a nice lunch? Because I sure as hell didn't. No, I spent the entire day chasing after your kids, making them meals they refused to eat, wiping their poopy asses and snotty noses and breaking up fights left and right.
News alert...men very rarely feel guilty. Wait, let me change that. Only their mamas can make them feel guilty, not their wives.
Plus, he'll probably end up making YOU feel guilty by saying, "Let me remind you that it was YOU who wanted to give up your career and stay home with the kids. It's not my fault you had a bad day."
Feel free to remind him that it his partially his fault in the first place that you even have the kids who caused you to have a bad day. Again, don't expect him to feel guilty.
It's a vicious cycle that rarely ends well. Call a good friend and vent to her instead.
8) The kids ate the last of your hidden stash of cookies.
He'll go ape shit on you. You ever seen a grown man cry over cookies? It's not pretty.
And, trust me, it's really hard to stifle your laughter as he accuses you, "Well, who showed them where I hide my cookies?!"
9) Just get out of the kitchen and let me make the kids their lunch.
Ladies, ladies, ladies....never (and I mean NEVER) rescue your man when he's attempting to make a meal for the kids. No matter how much of a mess he's made, no matter how badly he's burned their toast, no matter how putrid the kitchen smells...you rescue him once, he's gonna expect it for life.
Besides, imagine the pure satisfaction you'll feel when you hear the kids whine to him, "You expect us to eat THAT? It looks like dog puke and smells like diarrhea!"
10) Would you mind taking a look at my computer because something's wrong with it?
This question actually doesn't apply specifically to computers but more to what your man does for a living.
See, Tim is a computer geek...HTML is his language of love. He'll help everyone in the free world with their computer problems....he'll spend hours at friends' homes freeing their computers of nasty viruses and such.
But I ask him to take a minute to look at my computer and you'd think I asked him to impregnate me with a third set of twins.
If you man is an auto mechanic, don't even bother asking him to figure out what that wierd noise is in your car. If your man is a doctor, don't ask him to look at the odd rash you have on your back.
Your best bet? Just get a little creative.
Rant and rave about the hot guy at Best Buy who would be more than happy to get his hands on your keyboard. Go on and on about the gorgeous dude at the car shop who'd love to look under your hood. Gush about the hunky doctor who'd be thrilled to take your temperature.
He'll have the problem fixed faster than you can say, "2000-When?"
* This was one of the prompts given by Mama Kat for her Writer's Workshop.
I have big plans this weekend
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