I went on and on about how I was desperate to prove that I was indeed Supermom...and then I finally had my "aha" moment when I realized that my kids would love me no matter whether I baked them the most magnificent cake ever or bought them a cake from Costco.
And unicorns and leprechauns live in my backyard and we have tea parties every day at approximately 3:23 pm.
You see, apparently, my children do measure my love for them based on the fact that I bake them birthday cakes every year.
And it's not enough to do the same type of cake. Oh no...they raise that damn bar so high every single year. The cake has to be better....bigger...more extravagant that even I could ever imagine.
If you lived near me, you might've heard me pleading with them, "Come on, guys. How about a nice sheet cake with lots of frosting and I'll write your names all pretty in bright colors? What do you say?"
They laughed hysterically at first. Even the unicorns and the leprechauns chuckled...freakin' traitors.
Then the kids said, "But Mommy, if you REALLY love us, you'll make us whatever cake we want."
Stop shaking your head...they seriously said that.
If you think young children are not consciously aware of ways to make their parents feel incredibly guilty, then you probably honestly believe I'm having tea parties every day in my backyard with the Lucky Charms guy and his gaggle of unicorns.
While I was trapped knee-deep in a pile of guilt the size of Mt Everest, I caved and agreed to make them whatever their little hearts desired.
I'm a total sucker. Aren't we all, though, when it comes to our kids? We just want them to be happy, dammit...even if it costs us a few more brain cells and a little bit more of our sanity.
Okay, enough of my bitching...let's get to the pictures of these monstrous creations I agreed to make.
First (yes, I did say first...remember, we're talking twins here. God forbid they grow up and blame me for their problems all because they had to share a freakin' birthday cake every year), we have Bella's cake.
Or should I say Princess Bella who must have the finest of all apparel...
...including a cake purse, gumpaste high-heeled shoes, as well as fondant makeup. You can bet your sweet ass the whole zebra-striped design was her idea.
She may be only 6...oops, I mean...7 years old but she knows her stuff.
Bella was all, "Okay, I want purple and black zebra-striped shoes and a matching purse. I want really super high heels and lots and lots of makeup, especially eye shadow. The eye shadow has to be all kinds of colors because I like everything bright and beautiful. Oh and lipstick. No, wait...lip gloss. I like the more natural kind of look".
My response was, "Let me get this straight....you want natural looking lip gloss yet you expect green, yellow and blue eyeshadow?"
She looked at me as serious as Roseanne Barr is about her beloved macadamia nut farm and nodded her little blonde head.
So just to be clear here...Bella is a girl who knows what she wants. Indecisiveness has never been an issue for her. Obviously.
At first, Cole wanted a dragon cake, which I was all excited about because I thought, "Oh, that can't be very hard to do".
That's when he switched it on me and said, "Well, shit, it's no fun if you think it's easy so I need to come up with something more challenging. Let me think of something that will surely make you want to violently drive rusty nails into your eyeballs and I'll get back to you."
Okay, he didn't really say that but I'm sure he thought it. In fact, I'm positive that's what was running through his head the minute I made it sound like the dragon creation would be a piece of cake. Pun intended.
"I want a Pokemon cake," Cole said to me a couple days later. I was smart enough this time to make it sound like he had asked me to prove that Steven Tyler really is a dude.
"Oh, wow...a Pokemon cake," I repeated. "Hmmmm, that'll be tough but I'll see what I can come up with."
That seemed to please the boy enough and what do you know...it turns out the Pokemon cake WAS actually more difficult than the dragon cake. But I figured after a few glasses of wine, it wouldn't seem all that tough. Besides, I had enough brains to research Pokemon cakes online long enough to find one I might be able to recreate somewhat successfully.
This was the result...
Before I managed to get completely drunk, I made an adorable little Pikachu out of fondant. And then I got reprimanded by one of the 4-year olds for making Pikachu "fat".
I said, "He's not fat. He just had a really big lunch today...so bite me."
Alright, you caught me again. I didn't really say "bite me"...or maybe I did. I don't know...I think I was on my 4th glass of wine by then. I guess I'll know for sure if I get called into a conference with his preschool teacher when he repeats it to some kid who looks at him the wrong way.
But I'm not a bad mom. Really, I'm not. I mean, crap....look at the birthday creations I made for them with my bare hands.
Doesn't that prove I'm a good mom??
Maybe not Supermom...but, surely, a good one.