Monday, November 28, 2011

One of the reasons why husbands should never work from home...

It was only 3:00 in the afternoon but, already, my nerves were shot.

Struggling with Cole and Bella to finish their homework, trying to convince Garrett and Landon to take turns on who would be Sonic on their Wii game...all the while doing my best to keep them quiet so Tim could work.

Why my husband still continues to work from home I'll never understand.  Tim tries desperately to tuck himself away inside his little office upstairs...away from the whining (the kids), the yelling (me) and the crying (the kids...and me).

I've asked, wait...I've begged him to go elsewhere to work.  Panera Bread, the library, his dad's office...anywhere where there's capable Wi-Fi and comfortable seating.  Perhaps not the quietest of places but certainly better than attempting to work from home, where the range of noise and chaos can be enough to make me want to puncture my eardrums with an ice pick.

It's stressful enough struggling to get everything done that needs to be done and keep the kids happy at the same time.  But, add on top of that, constantly reminding the kids that Daddy is working and they need to keep the noise to a minimum is enough to send me over the edge.

By 4:00 pm on this particular day, I was close to the edge of that cliff, dangling off the side of it as if I was Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible...well, except he looked pretty damn cool hanging off the side of that cliff and I looked more like a frazzled, exhausted, desperate housewife.

Suddenly, I heard a voice calling to me, "Drink me.  You know you want to."

I looked around but all I saw were kids.  Kids arguing over whose pencil was whose, kids who were finally getting along while playing a video game but, at any minute, knowing full well that a fight could erupt.

I heard it again.  "Psssst, over here.  In the fridge."

The wine?  Was the wine talking to me? *

Walking over to where it beckoned from, I opened up the fridge and it smiled seductively at me, "Hey, baby...I thought you'd never get here.  Pop my cork and let's get reacquainted."

This invitation was too good to pass up.  I rationalized in my head why it would be a good idea to have just a small glass of wine.

  • It would help calm my nerves.
  • Tim was home, even if he was working, so it wasn't like the kids were unsupervised.
  • It would help calm my nerves.
However, as much as I tried, I could not get the talking bottle of wine to open.  Talk about a cork-tease.

I yanked, I pulled...I forgot about the damn corkscrew.  

Finally, after trying to rip the cork out with an unsuccessful death grip, I barged into Tim's office in a frenzy of irritation, "I'm self-medicating and I can't open this fuckin' bottle of wine!"

And...sure enough, he just happened to be on a conference call.  A video conference call, no less.

"Uh, sweetie, I'm on a video call right now," he mumbled ever-so-slightly under his breath.

"Oh crap...I'm so sorry," I said, retreating from his office with the still unopened bottle of wine.

As the noise from downstairs quickly creeped into his office, he moved away from his computer, reached for the bottle and whispered, "Go get me the corkscrew."

Reason #976 why I love this man.  

So there he sat on his video call, discussing software problems with a colleague while prying open a bottle of wine for his agitated wife.  

Okay, make that #977 reasons why I love this man.

A short while later, as I happily stirred a pot of spaghetti for my hungry family, Tim came downstairs.

"Sorry about earlier.  The kids, the noise...I was trying to keep them quiet.  Epic fail, I know," I apologized.

He just smiled.  "It's okay.  I understand."

Reason #978.  

"Can you just please, from now on..." I began to say.

"Yeah, I'll try to work away from home more often," he finished.

And, that my friends, is one of the reasons why husbands should never work from home.

*  Let me assure you that I clearly understand that bottles of wine do not talk.  And, while I did drink wine on this one occasion while my kids were around, I do not engage in this type of behavior on a regular basis.  I'm only feeling the need to add this because I know there are some people out there who will will not get my humor and may read more into this than there is.  So save yourself the harsh, judgmental anonymous comments. Registered & Protected


Brooke said...

lol! :D

Hope you had a great thanksgiving!!

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

Sounds like a good enough reason to keep the wine rack stocked to me ;-)

Nezzy said...

Heeehehhee!!! Ya got a great fella there sweetie, hang on to him tightly!

I on the other hand put some cattle in that had got out in a pen behind the house. I closed one gate but didn't realize the other was open. Ran the stinkin' wild~eyed bovines in the pen and quicker that a bottle of wine could call my name...I mixed cattle that should not be mixed.

Hubs said not a negative word...we're blessed sister.

Hope ya had a great Thanksgiving sweetie!

God bless and enjoy your week! :o)

Rebecca Bany said...

That might have been the best post I've ever read. So real and so honest. I love it. You said what most of us are thinking.

WhisperingWriter said...


And now I want Panera Bread. Thanks.

(Mmm, but seriously, I LOVE their cinnamon crunch bagels..)

Jenn said...

I've been away from blogging for a while, and I'm so glad that this post was one of the first ones I've read after coming back. Loved it! Thanks!

Jenn said...

I've been away from blogging for a while, and I'm so glad that this post was one of the first ones I've read after coming back. Loved it! Thanks!

Brad Jenkins said...

Love the phrase cork-tease.

You should switch to Australian wines, just for the twist off caps.

At least you weren't frustrated enough to try pushing the cork in instead of pulling it out. That never works well - especially with reds.

Shell said...

It makes me crazy when my husband works from home. I can't keep the kids quiet.

My hubs went out and got me a bottle of wine last week when I was at my mom's. A huge bottle. Reason #436 why I love him.

Eva Gallant said...

If anyone would be judgmental about this post, then they either are new here, or they need to lighten up!

Barbara said...

This is too funny!! My husband knows better than to try and work from home!

Karen Peterson said...

Reason #1084 why I love YOU!

January Dawn said...

I could have written this exact same post! Why my husband feels the need to work from home is beyond me. My neighbours think "It's great - at least he's home to help if you need it". Yeah. Right. It drives me crazy because he doesn't have an proper office so he works out of the basement - where the kids love to play. Reason 708 why he makes me least he understands why I occasionally need wine at 4 pm though. (and anyone that would judge you on this needs to lighten up!)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

You mean some people's wine bottles DON'T talk to them? Weird.
Oh and a word of advice: twist tops, baby. Corks are for non-desperate people!!

Jen said...

I don't know women do it with a husband that works from home. I like that Jeff has an office to go to.

And some days, that wine just needs to be opened before 5pm. I totally get it.

Di said...

I tried doing a conference call on Friday while the hubby watched the Jellybean. Neither one understood the concept of being quiet.

Its the Oreo's that talk to be from the pantry...

Debby@Just Breathe said...

This was so much fun to read. My kids are grown and somedays the wine still talks to me!

Robbie K said...

I want a talking wine bottle for Christmas!

Shelly - Tropical Mum said...

This cracked me up. I'm still grinning after the laughter.

My husband stayed home from work yesterday. He decided he wanted to come in with me take the boys to school and hopped in the shower just as they needed to brush their teeth in the bathroom. He gave them all sorts of chores to do just as they needed to be walking out the door and then gave me flack about the fact that we left the house 10 min later than we had planned. Then when we got home and I tried to do some work he interrupted me every 2 min asking me about, oh I don't know...dust or something equally as important. Reason #243, 244 and 245 why my husband should not be home during the work/school week. BUT he did make me coffee while I worked and the boys were over the moon at the fact that their dad was there to drop them off at school.

...and I just took over your comments, oops.

ashley @ ashley's adventures in alaska said...

Hilarious. I find that wine talks to me when I'm with my family- luckily no one is ever on a video call. :) Your husband is a good man for opening the wine for you despite the embarassment!

Jennifer said...

And to that I say, "Chin, chin!" I don't know how you do it with four kids - I'm hanging by a string with just two! And adding the "Husband Factor" to your daily routine is never easy, I can totally relate!

irishtwinsmommababybook said...

Some days are just these days. What a GREAT man he is. I don't think mine would react the same way.

Rhiannon said...

LMFAO!!! Seriouslly the story is effen classic in itself and then the fact that you had to add a 'disclaimer' ooh man just the laugh i needed on monday.
btw... im convinced that my wine also talks to me too so i think your disclaimer could be just slightly incorrect!

Sarah said...

What a sweet guy! If it's past noon, you're in the clear haha

Singedwingangel said...

OK I am not a wine girl but I have totally had my premixed frozen fuzzy navels nad strawberry dacquiris call my name.. oh wait my kids are all in school during the day and hubby isn't home. J/k dealing with my oldest sister is enough to make me drink, today would have been a prime example seriously.. wanna share??

Samantha said...

Paul could never work from home. I yell too much, and Bree screams too much. Sometimes I wonder if people think we're killing each other inside of this little apartment.

Kimberly said... mean to tell me that bottles of wine DON'T talk?
My psychiatrist has some explaining to do... said...

"Drink me. You know you want to."

OMG, you must buy the same wine that I do :)))!!!! X

Nobodys Nothings said...

oh yes, i totally feel where you're coming from on that on. with the wine, and with the husband at home doing something that involves quiet...

...except that when my husband is home, it means he's worked all night and is trying to sleep. it's awful really- my daughter's a screamer when she plays, and i get never ending lectures on keeping the kids quiet.


Missy said...

I stopped trying to shush my kids when my husband works from home awhile ago. It just pisses us all off. Self-medicating in the afternoon? You're my kind a woman. ;)

Kmama said...

I know that all too well what alcohol sounds like when it's calling your name. ;-)

Mercy D'souza said...

I understand. The vodka loves to call me just when I feel most frazzled.

blueviolet said...

That was a story of stories, and I'll bet that glass was ecstasy, wasn't it?

Jenny said...

Oh man, that's funny! Embarrassing, but funny!

Lisa said...

I love this post.

Julia said...

Hahaha! So very sad that you have to add the disclaimer. Silly judgy anon commenters!

I say "Cheers!" I've often popped a cork before my husband walks in the door. It's actually our way of communicating about how my day was as soon as he walks in the door. That way he doesn't get hit with a wave of complaining the second he gets home :)

Amy said...


When Hubs went back to work on August he "really" wanted to go back to graveyard shift. I said, "Honey, you know that stay-at-home parent thing you've been doing for the past 12 months?"


"Well, imagine trying to do it with a very grumpy sleeping person upstairs who NEEDS to get their sleep so they can work all night."

"Oh. Day shift then?"

"That'd be nice!" LOL!!!

Twinpossible said...

You know what is hilarious? I was just trying to get a talking bottle of wine open myself. No, it's not 4:00, but I do know how late that can seem, LOL. You look at the clock and say, 'REALLY? THAT'S IT?'

Seriously, I am terrible with opening a bottle of wine. I don't get to do it often, maybe that's the problem, lol. It is hard.

My hub doesn't work from home, but he comes home in the morning from work, and everybody has to be quiet while he sleeps AFTER work, and quiet when he sleeps BEFORE work. WITH TWINS? How much sleep you think this man gets? It isn't legal to use duct tape, so not too much.

He pounds on the floor, like keep 'em quiet. HOW??????? I do all I can, so I walk on egg shells to, trust me. When I need help and he's in his lair...NOOOOOO bothering or else, which is hard at times. What about us? When do we get OUR time?

I hear ya friend!


Zeemaid said...

I didn't realize that Tim worked from home. Does he do it often? That would totally get on my nerves. It's like when my husband makes a phone call in the family room and then gets mad at the kids for being noisy... um hello, take your call somewhere else.

It was sweet of Tim to be so understanding.

I wish I liked wine more. ;)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said... if you do drink wine while the kids are around, it's not like you'll be hanging from the light fixture, right?

You really deserve to relax and not feel like you have to answer to anyone about the choices that you make. If you run buck naked in the street while your kids are doing their homework and playing Sonic, have a good time doing it! :)

Hope if you do take my advice, the hubby will be home, just in case you need bail money.

Kakunaa said...

Have I told you lately that I love you???

Psst...what is reason #1000

Natalie said...

What a good man you have there...working and opening the wine...that's what you call a good multi-tasker!

Sela Toki said...

Waa ha ha Helene, that post just made my day. "Pop my cork and let's get reacquainted", "cork-tease" and "corkscrew". I have never heard so many corks usage in one reading. I can't stop laughing. You're hilarious again and again. An you've got a good man there.

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

I wish my wine would talk to me...if it did, tonight it would have said, "no, silly girl...the wine goes in the food...not directly in your mouth! Get a glass, white trash!"

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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