1) you laugh hard at something that someone just told you and a little piece of snot comes shooting out of your nose.
2) your husband is on speaker phone with his mom...as you walk into the room, unknowingly, and say, "Good God, your mother can be SO freakin' annoying".
3) you give your kids free reign to choose whatever board game they want you to play with them...and they pick the one that has tons of little pieces and tons of fake money.
4) your cell phone call gets cut off while you're out in public but you don't want to seem like a total loser so you just say, "Okay...well, talk to you later".
5) the elevator doors close and you look at the person next to you and wonder if you could handle being trapped with him/her for even a couple hours in the event of a major elevator fail.
6) you're 6 months pregnant with twins and someone asks you when you're due...and you pretend to be horrified as you answer, "Uh, I'm not pregnant" just because that's your idea of entertainment.
7) while waiting in your car with the windows down in the school's parking lot for a couple of your kids to get out, your other kids are arguing in the car when one of them shouts, "Well, you have wrinkly old man balls"....just as the principal happens to stroll by.
8) you're singing a Justin Bieber song in your car and notice the person in the car next to you is staring...and laughing hysterically.
9) you're in the middle of telling some friends what you thought would be an interesting story...only to realize halfway through that, in all actuality, they will probably find the story pretty damn stupid.
10) your daughter is happily swinging herself around a pole at the crowded playground...and then she bellows, proudly, "Mommy, take a video of me dancing on this pole and send it to everyone."
11) you're at the store and a woman walks over, greets you by name and then starts chatting you up...and you can't remember who the hell she is because neither of you have your kids with you, which is pretty much the ONLY way you remember most people these days.
12) you take your kids into a public restroom where they shout, "Eeeeew, someone took a massive dump in here"...right as the guilty person comes out of the bathroom stall.
13) you brag to your kids about how you used to ride your bike with no hands when you were younger...right as you attempt to do it as an adult and swerve into a street light.
14) everyone sits at a 4-way stop waiting for the other person to go and then they all try to go at the same time...only to have to slam on their brakes and do the "no, you go" courtesy wave all over again.
15) there's an awkward silence after you've asked someone how they are and they simply say, "fine" without asking how you are in return.
Where I Get to Bitch
19 hours ago