Wednesday, October 31, 2012

If you're comparing your husband to a soap opera character, you'll only end up disappointed

Way back in the, 17 years ago back in the day....when Tim and I were simply boyfriend and girlfriend, I used to watch all kinds of soap operas.

Days of Our Lives, The Young and the Restless, General Hospital.  You name it, I probably watched it.

And after almost every episode, I would frown and ask Tim, "How come you're not romantic like the soap opera characters?"

He'd chuckle and answer, "Sweetie, they're actors.  But if you want to write me a script, I'd be happy to say the same shit.  I can memorize lines just as well as they can."

Yeah, so the hot, sexy actors were following a script.  And, yeah, chances are they weren't really that romantic in real life but a girl can dream.

So it got me thinking....after all these years of marriage....that perhaps writing a script for my man wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Generally, this is how our conversations flow...but I've added in a script (in italics) of what he SHOULD say.

Me:  Ugh, what a day.  I'm so tired.
Tim: I correct in assuming that I won't be getting a piece of ass tonight?

Tim:  Aw, sweetie.  You've been working so hard trying to keep everyone happy.  You just sit down, relax and put your feet up.  I'll take care of dinner and put the kids to bed.

Me:  I would love some help doing all this laundry.
Tim:  My mom never asked my dad for help with the laundry.

Tim:  Don't worry about the laundry.  You must get tired of always being responsible for everyone's clean clothes.  Let me take care of it.  You go read a book.

Me:  I've been dying to see that new movie starring Mark Wahlberg!
Tim:  Well, it'll be out on DVD before you know it.  After all, it is a Mark Wahlberg movie.

Tim:  I'll call the babysitter and arrange for us to have a date night.  And I'm happy to sit through a 2-hour movie, even though I think Mark Wahlberg is an asshole, simply because I love you.

Me:  How many times do I have to clean off this kitchen counter?  Doesn't anyone in this house know how to put things away?
Tim: But that's your job.

Tim  You're right.  The kids and I have been so irresponsible and disrespectful.  We know how many times you have to clean up after us.  We'll make an honest effort to keep the house clean.

Me:  So, did you like the chicken I made for dinner?
Tim:  It was okay.  You should find out how my mom makes her chicken.

Tim:  It was delicious, sweetie.  Best chicken I've ever tasted.  Even better than my mom's.

And, finally, in a perfect world....where unicorns fly freely through the crisp blue sky on a daily basis and bright signs point the way to the end of every rainbow, where a huge pot of gold awaits us, Tim wouldn't even need prompting from me.

He would see me standing in the kitchen...looking as exhausted as I feel...stirring a pot of spaghetti while balancing one child on my hip and helping another child with his homework, while the other kids run around the house naked, chasing one another with scissors.

My romantic husband would come up behind me and (instead of rubbing his crotch against my ass), he'd whisper ever-so-softly in my ear, "Have I told you how beautiful you are?  Have I told you how much I love and appreciate you?  You are my world.  I couldn't imagine my life without you."


I guess for now, until I have spare time to write these scripts, I'll have to settle for, "Hey, sweetie, I know it's been a long day for you but I'm super horny.  Do you think  you can manage staying awake for another 7.6 minutes....please??" Registered & Protected


janzi said...

YOu are so amusing to read, and yet this is so true of most men... of course they cannot work out what we want, after all we are so different in outlook and expectations, but its fun to write a script how you would like it to go... I have a kind decent husband, but if I am having a meltdown because of my current health issues, he never knows what to do.... What I would like him to do, is just hold me close whilst I howl, and tell me all kinds of things in a soft soothing voice... instead of which he keeps coming into the room, holding the door and peeking around it, saying - there there darling, dont fret, we are in this together** and then disappears, having thought he has helped!! NO I want cuddles not words, but it is beyond his understanding, so I have to put up with it, just like you said in the blog above... keep on smiling, we are all a sisterhood.. they are different and they do come from Mars!!!!!

Olusola said...

This is hilarious. Will 7 minutes do instead of 7.6? ;)

Barbara said...

This was too funny and so true! My husband has been known for saying similar things! ;)

Jen said...

Yes, I agree, it would be nice if they knew what to say.

Of course, I am guessing my husband may feel like you. He cleans, cooks, does some laundry, and even helps the kids with homework.

Does that mean I am the Tim of my relationship? (Except for the horny/sex comments)

Guess I'd better start doing some laundry or something! :)

Nezzy (Cow Patty Surprise) said...

As usual, you left me in stitches!!! Heeehehehe!

Yep, I hear ya loud and clear sista' but every once in a blue moon they do somethin' to sweep us off our feet. me a dreamer but I think they all have a wee bit of Prince Charmin' lurkin' in there somewhere.

'Just sayin'.......

God bless ya sweetie and have a terrific time with you LITTLES tonight. :o) Boooooooo........

Heather said...

Oh so true. My husband who literally "took the day off"(to play video games and watch stupid movies) during Hurricane Sandy on Monday while I was at the beck and call for my 3 children who were relentless in their boredom and need for adult intervention then had the nerve to wonder why I didn't feel like giving him some hurricane loving that night.

I know.

Simone said...

You are hilarious. I hope that in spite of how you would expect Tim to reply, you may be surprised.

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

They so do need a script.

Eva Gallant said...

Hilarious! We can dream, can't we?

Lisa said...

Oh my gosh, this is so true - absolutely hysterical! Keep wishing, and maybe one day your dreams will come true :)

Shelly - Tropical Mum said...

Actually, I'm married to a neat freak,(not clean freak if you saw his bathroom) so my husband does do laundry (when there is only 1/4 of a load and then frowns when I wait for a full load) and he wipes counters and loves my cooking (but complains that I never cook enough) etc. BUT I totally could come up with heaps of material.

He is usually one-upping all my little gripes. As in, Me: I'm tired, I woke up at 4 am. Him: That's nothing I didn't sleep at all last night. Meanwhile the reason I woke was because of his snoring.

Don't get me started! I'd need a new anonymous blog just for my husband's 'endearing' mannerisms, but I'm sure if he blogged he could come up with his own about me!

Great post, Helene.

Jode said...

You made my day Helene! I was feeling all sorry for myself and wishing for that tv romance and kids to be really honest...and here you are saying that i am not alone...i really do love your writing....and good luck with the dream Mama!

Twins Squared said...

So funny Helene! And so true - especially the first one and whispering something romantic instead of groping me!! Why do men think we want them to do that?

Alex said...

if this wasn't so disgustingly true that it makes me want to cry a little, i'd be LOLing so hard right now. why are guys such jerks?! (and the "my dad never had to _____" or "my mom did it like _____" makes me want to kill someone!- your mom didn't have to have a job outside the home, either, dick!) sighhhhhhhh

middle child said...

Awesome post!

Dave Long said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Cascia Talbert said...

This sounds so familiar to me! And after chasing around little ones all day like you I am totally exhausted. I can totally relate t this one.

championm2000 said...

If my husband starting acting out my soap opera dreams, well--I would know he was seriously guilty of something awful and was feeling remorseful!

harada57 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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