Friday, January 18, 2013

The best rabbit in the world, except for that one little problem

A couple months ago, I went to the pet store to pick up a new filter for our fish tank.

And I came home with this adorable little bunny rabbit.

"Why yes, I am the cutest rabbit in the world, thank you very much."
The kids were thrilled.  Tim was not.  Such is life.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" the kids inquired.

I answered, "Well, the lady at the pet store said it's a girl."

Bella shouted, "So we need to come up with a pretty name for her!"

After much debating (or in more realistic, screaming and spitting at one another), they came to the agreement that we would call our new bunny Summer.  Even though it was the middle of winter.

Personally, I liked the name Cinammon Buns but the kids deemed that the lamest name ever.

Almost immediately, Summer adapted to our family and all our chaos.  She spent her days running and leaping around the house, as well as tormenting our three cats (who were not exactly thrilled with the idea of a new pet but they tolerated her).

This sweet little bunny actually came in handy, much to my delight.

She took the kids for walks.

"Come on, kid.  Hustle, hustle!"

She licked my windows clean of dirty, greasy kid-sized hand prints.

"Yum...tastes like chocolate pudding."
She happily ate the leftovers that nobody wanted.

"Pizza....again?  Beggars can't be choosers, I suppose"
She would even alert me if one of the kids left the fridge open (while begging for a carrot).

"Did I miss the memo that electricity is free this week?"
However, as nature would have it, Summer eventually began humping everything in sight.  When she viciously dry-humped one of the kids' favorite stuffed animals, they began to ask questions ("why is Summer doing that?" and "is her belly really itchy or something?".

I couldn't hack it anymore so we decided to get Summer spayed.  You know, nip the issue in the bud.  Or, I guess you could say I was just too damn lazy to explain the whole birds and bees story to my kids.

So Tim dropped her off at the vet and the kids wished her good luck with her surgery.

After a few hours, our phone rang.

"Hi, this is Katie at Dr. Song's office.  I just wanted to let you know that you can pick up your bunny around 3:00 today," the vet's assistant spoke into the phone.

"Okay, I'll let my husband know.  How's Summer doing?" I asked.

She answered, "Uh, well....she's a he."

"What?  Are you sure?" I was stunned.

"Yes, we're sure.  We went to shave her...I mean, him...for the procedure and there are definitely boy parts there."

After a brief discussion, in which I repeated "are you sure?" approximately 18 times, I hung up with her and turned to Tim and the kids.

"Summer's a boy," I said.

The boys whooped it up and gave each other high-5's.  But not Bella.

No, instead, she broke down into heaping sobs....the kind of cry where snot runs freely down your face and into your mouth, you know THAT type of cry.

I gently rocked her in my arms and explained that I know how disappointed she's feeling but that Summer is still the same cute, adorable, fun-loving bunny she's been all along.

Bella faced me and cried, "But she has a penis!"

I pressed on, "Yeah, well, sure she...I mean, he...does.  But nothing else about him has changed. It's not that big of a deal, really."

"Not that big of a deal?," she argued with me.  "She has a penis!  A PENIS, Mommy!  I don't want a BOY rabbit, I wanted her to be a GIRL!"

I so badly wanted to tell my daughter that this wouldn't be the last time she'd find herself disappointed, frustrated or even sad over a penis.

I mean, honestly, when would I ever be able to come up with a more awesome line than that one.  But I choked it down and figured perhaps I can save it for that little mother-daughter talk we'll probably have one day when some asshole breaks her heart.

So I continued hugging and consoling her until she finally collapsed into my lap in a ball of exhaustion.

Weeks later, Bella still has difficulty remembering that Summer is now Ninja-Buns.  And then I have to remind her..."Remember, he's a boy, not a girl."

She always answers, "Oh yeah. I keep forgetting.  He is the best rabbit in the world, except for that one little problem. His penis."

It makes me laugh every single time. Registered & Protected


Shari said...

Too funny! Poor Bella. We did something very similar at our house this year - went to the pet store to replace a fish and came home with a dog. A larger-than-typical golden retriever mix. It's like having a deer walking around inside the house. At least there was no question with her that she was/is a girl!

Natalie said...

Oh my this cracked me up! This happened to me when I was a child with our cat Rocky that became Roxy lol! Or maybe vice brain can't remember :)

Jenny said...

LOL! I had a friend that had a cat for a few years before she found out it was a he and not a she!

Lisa said...

Ohmygosh!! This post had me dying of laughter the entire time! :) Absolutely hysterical.

wonderchris said...

That bunny is the best. So many adventures. And I'm glad his itchy stomach is cured. A relief for everyone. :)

Rhiannon said...

omg, i am dying! that would definately have been a good lesson for your daughter, but definately at another time! hahaha
i would have called him hunny buns but i like cinnamon buns! We had a bunny his name was Heff as in Hugh Heffner

Cheryl Lage said...

Our much loved bunny Dwayne lived to be 8 years old...
We learned our He-Bunny was actually a She-Bunny when she began nesting in the corner, pulling fur from her belly to create it, and became quite territorial.
We actually had her fixed...even though she had no love-interests...just to ease her feminine discomfort. ;)

Enjoy that sweet rabbit!

Shelly - Tropical Mum said...

Ninja-buns. I'm guessing you managed to influence the decision on the boy name then? :)

Cyndy Newsome said...

Is it horrible that my first thought was "I wouldn't have even told them"??
What they dont know won't hurt 'em. LOL
You are SO right about the penises (is that a word?)!!

Jodie Clarke said...

I'm wiping away the tears of laughter as i read...poor Bella...blooming males!
You did so well holding back on that comment re the was indeed perfection...hold that thought for a few years it will come in handy!!!

Marcia (123 blog) said...

aaaawwwww, poor bella. But she's hilarious :)

Rosemary said...

Is the rabbit litter box trained? How did you do that?

HeatherB said...

I, too, experienced Bella's sense of grief as a child during my kitten's first vet appointment, when the doctor asked, "How attached are you to the name 'Catrina'?" Darned penises anyway!

Missy Bedell said...

That's a pretty darned funny story, Helene!

Karen Peterson said...

Poor Bella! That must be so devastating!

On the positive side, I've heard female rabbits are a lot more temperamental and that the boys make better pets around kids. For what it's worth.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious as usual.

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

Stupid penises!!!

Sela Toki said...

I have been away too long. This got me rolling in laughter. I hate it when pets hump. LMBO.

Tiffany said...

LOL!!! Yes, definitely not the last time she'll be disappointed over a penis. Ha! This is fabulous! Poor Bella.

SRM said...

Hey Lady! I've been on haitus for awhile and just starting to catch up! I have to say, this is HILARIOUS! I can sympathize with Bella. We got a kitten around the same time you got Ninja-Buns and she's a she. I'd be a little upset too if I fund out our Bax had a penis. Hope you and yours are doing well!

a ji o ji suno ji said...

Actually, she's a tough YOUNG bird," Baruch Hashem (and a real leader).

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I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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